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New posts: COMING SOON!

2011-06-16T01:26:00.001-04:00

(WAKE YOUR ASS, WE'VE GOT A BLOG TO WRITE!)

Dear anyone,

I bet this one surprised you a little bit. Didn't see it coming, did ya? Yeah well, neither did I to be honest with you. I've been on a four-month or so, "hiatus," if you will. After all, it wasn't the first time I went away--after shifting into a completely in the zone writing period of six months in which I waged an all-out war against the Internet (late February-August 2010), I vanished for a little while. I returned later in the fall, but never was able to find my rhythm and faded once again after the 2nd annual Oscar Running Diary the last day of February. I wasn't planning any miraculous comebacks or anything like that, but when the renewal notice came in my email for the Beer and Cleaning Products domain name, I figured, what the fuck, it's here for me to do my worst with, right? Nothing has changed in that regard, no matter how many readers I may have alienated or let down with my frequent disappearing acts.

This website became a way for me to express myself as an artist (a fucked in the head one, at that), but like any writer, I've gone through a couple rough blockages over the last year or so. These periods aren't a surprise to me at all, but when they come, they hit with all their might. They sap any and all creative energy and motivation from me, and unfortunately I prove to be somewhat powerless in defending myself against it. I've been making excuses for awhile, but it just seems like the right time for me to start terrorizing my own little corner of the Internet again. As I'm aware, I've probably lost most readers of this website. Don't worry, if I were you, I would've disappeared like LeBron James' heart in the fourth quarter of the NBA Finals, too. I haven't been very much fun lately, I understand this. So this time around I figure I'll just keep it low-key and not let mine or anyone else's expectations run roughshot...at least for the time being. I know I've got a small amount of loyal readers that will come back on board no matter what, so I guess I'll start there and work my way up. I don't know how much I'll be around, but I can promise you that it will be more than the invisible me of the last 9 months or so. Like Robert De Niro tells Calogero in A Bronx Tale, "The saddest thing in life is wasted talent." Ain't it the truth, LeBron?

Unlike Queen James, I don't want to let my talents go to waste. Just like playing a sport for a living, writing is fun. It's a good thing to be good at, so I don't really know what the hell the problem's been with me lately. I won't really get into the specifics because it's not that interesting or important--just know I haven't given up my attempted ability to entertain people with my warped view of how the world works. So we'll see how things go. I think at least for the time being, it'll go back to just me writing content for the site. My platoon of dutiful contributors is lurking on the periphery, I'm sure, but I won't do them a disservice by bringing them back into the fold until I'm certain to myself that I'm back. This remains to be seen, but hey, I have faith. After how fucking sad my life has become at certain points over the last couple of years, I have to imagine that there's a loud, dark, demented voice that still needs to be heard. Stay tuned.

That being said, what might you look forward to in the coming days and weeks (remember, we're curtailing our expectations and starting off slow for now)? Well as usual, there's a lot rattling around in my brain right now, and here are some potential topics:

How Freaks & Geeks and Arrested Development, two of America's most furiously short-lived television shows, launched an unprecedented amount of talent all while garnering two immensely loyal cult followings.
Why Twitter is both an incredibly useful source of information AND one of the most pointless, maddening productions of modern technology.
The NBA Draft (a.k.a. which team drafts Charles Jenkins and becomes my second favorite squad for the next 10 years?)
The 10 Best television series of my lifetime
The state of American cinema, summer edition
The absolute best blog (aside from this one when it's running full steam ahead) for the average white male
Sports Illustrated swimsuit models: the Murderer's Row of hot chicks
The anatomy of a fantasy baseball kamikaze
And the topic that will make me want to dive headfirst into an active volcano: Why Boston is the greatest sports city in America

So there you have it. Based on the vast array of topics listed above, I should have enough material to keep myself busy through the rest of the summer. Hopefully, I'll come up with even more new ideas along the way. If you rejoin the madness again, great; if not, I'll still be here if and when you decide to knock on the door again. Yep, Special Ed is back in town for another go-round. How I reliable I am this time (What about your wife, Arnold? She got reliable) remains to be seen, but I owe it to myself and anyone that's ever read anything written on this website to give it yet another shot.

Damn glad to be back,
Special Ed

The Best Music Videos of the 2000's.

2011-03-29T13:55:00.000-04:00

The music video: once the slayer of the radio star, now currently being swept under the rug of the Internet. Though the hay day for music videos was in the 1980s and 1990s, its really came into its own as an art form in the 2000s as some of the most creative and influential visual directors of the decade flocked towards the medium.

We now present you with our choices for the Top 5 Music Videos of the 2000s.

5. Fatboy Slim – "Weapon of Choice"

Director Spike Jonze – one of the Music Video Gods turned feature film director – had a stroke of genius in casting Christopher Walken to dance around like only he can. It’s imaginative, fun, and mesmerizing. This is the kind of video that go way beyond promotional material.

4. The White Stripes - "Fell in Love with a Girl"

I could really choose ANY Michel Gondry video to go on this list. He’s one of the most creative visual storytellers since Tim Burton and found a way to ‘wow’ us with pretty much every music video he made. This video – made up entirely of Lego’s – is the perfect representation of his fun, practical-effect driven style. This was the kind of video that broke musical boundaries and gave people something to talk about.

3. OK Go – "Here it Goes Again"

A follow up to their incredible “Million Ways” single shot, choreographed video, “Here it Comes Again” raised their own bar by doing an even more complex routine… on treadmills! It’s pretty damn amazing every time you watch it. We could probably blame this video for the Video’s shift from Television to Internet.

2. Coldplay - "Life in Technicolor II"

The 2010’s will usher in a new era of puppetry. This video – featuring Coldplay as Marionettes – is the perfect example of why puppetry is still relevant and entertaining today. It keeps getting better and better each second, there’s no way you can’t smile through this one regardless of your feelings on Coldplay. Perfectly captures the magic of music, puppetry, and video.

1. Outkast - "Hey Ya"

I honestly have no idea why this video is so great, it just is. I am equally flabbergasted (yeah that’s right) when I watch it now as when I watched it then. It’s a semi-parody of an Ed Sullivan showcase with jockeys, a strange cast of characters all played by Andre 3000, and a never explained casket in the middle of the room. It’s hypnotic, hilarious, and historic if you ask me. No other Video has ever made me this excited to watch TRL. If “Here it Comes Again” was the first hoorah for the Internet, “Hey Ya” was the last hoorah for TV.

Second annual Academy Award running diary...King's Speech reigns supreme

2011-02-28T20:31:00.002-05:00

OK, movie fans, the time has come for yet another massive running diary. Did I rip off the concept from ESPN.com's Bill Simmons? Yeah, but he's probably too busy running podcasts from his L.A. mansion to undertake such an intricate project, which is why you've got me. We did one of these enormous running diaries for last year's Academy Awards, and I attempted to do so again.

Just as I did last year, I reserved His Royal Highness, the King of Dipshit Valley as my sidekick for the evening's festivities. King was crushing beers as we chatted online during the show, and his musings were raunchier than ever. You have to understand, to King and myself, every single celebrity in Hollywood is on some sort of illicit substance at any given time...so, please do not hold any of what we say against us. Good luck living inside our brains for a night and getting out alive.

Enjoy!

Before we get to the actual show, which will be helmed by first-time hosts James Franco and Anne Hathaway, let's check in with some highlights from ABC's pre-show red carpet festivities, which were hosted by Robin Roberts, the beautiful Maria Menounos and queer as a $10 bill fashionista Tim Gunn.

About four minutes in, Black Swan star Mila Kunis shows up to make everybody's jaw drop, just as she did when she went muff diving on costar Natalie Portman in the film. "I want to make a mess in her mouth," I tell King. Oh yes, it has begun.
Social Network star and Best Actor nominee Jesse Eisenberg shows up for a painfully awkward interview with Roberts. I love the kid and he was amazing in his portrayal of Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg, but he's about as socially adept as a child rapist. Apparently he does not own a television. What does he do with his time? "Wander the Earth being the most awkward Jew alive," fellow heeb King tells me.
Two-time Oscar winner Kevin Spacey stops by for an interview with Roberts. Do people know that Spacey served as an executive producer for The Social Network? No wonder it was so good. Spacey appears to be glassy-eyed and way out of it as he begins his interview. "I am on so much ketamine...who are you and why are you talking to me?" is how the Kingster interprets Spacey's ramblings.
For all the Craig Ferguson devotees out there: TIM GUNN MAKE ED HORNY.
Russell Brand stops by for an interview with Maria, whose breasts he eyes suspiciously. Russell brought his mom as his date since wife Katy Perry is on tour. "Wait, she's on tour?!" Brand exclaims. "I thought she was at home! Why is my wash not being done?!" Gold as usual.
Roberts is now interviewing a massive pack of school children from Staten Island, who apparently are going to sing at some point during the show. I wasn't aware they let people who lived in a garbage dump inside the Kodak Theater for the Oscars. The teacher, known only as Mr. B, is dreadlocked and bears a striking resemblance to rapper Sean Paul. Let's just move on.
King cracks his first beer at 7:52 p.m., 38 minutes before the show starts. This is going to be a looooooooong night. He has a delicious assortment of high-end beers, while I am drinking Lone Star, aka Texas Piss Water.
Reese Witherspoon stops by, who looks lovely as always. "I would rather her dress choice be ass naked," King states. Hard to argue. I ask him what he'd need to be on to see Reese and Robert Pattinson's new film Water for Elephants..."a gallon of PCP," I am told. Good to know.
"The problem with tonight's show is that I hate nobody as much as I hated James Cameron last year," King tells me. Ditto, my hook-nose friend.
Franco stops by for a chat about 25 minutes before he is set to host the Oscars. He looks BEYOND stoned, perhaps on a cross joint from Pineapple Express? He tells Roberts he hasn't had time to be nervous about the show because he has been busy with school. Where does he go? "Drugs University," King replies. "He is the dean." Right on.
Sandra Bullock, a winner last year for The Blind Side, stops to talk with Menounos. I never dug Bullock until last year, and she looks as enchanting this time around as she did for the 2010 Oscars. Hey Jesse James, I HOPE YOU DIE!
Is it wise to let Christian Bale talk to the blatantly gay Tim Gunn? Does anyone else think Bale would relish the opportunity to beat Gunn to within an inch of his life just for being different than him?
A commercial for the new MATTTTTTTTT DAAAAAAAAAAAAAMON movie comes on. "The Bourne Identity 4 looks pretty awful," I tell King.
Halle Berry stops by for an interview and calls herself "a slave to fashion." The poor word choice has me thinking it's just time to move onto the show before I say something that really gets me into trouble.
As King cracks beer #3, it is just about time to get underway!

8:30: And HERE…WE…GO!

8:30: The show opens with a montage of all 10 Best Picture nominees…hey King’s Speech: YOU STINK YOU STINK YOU STINK YOU STINK!

8:31: Speaking of King’s, the real King has an inspirational speech for me before the show really begins: "this is what we wait for all year, the fuckfest of fuck ups. It's time to get up, this is our game time." I could not agree more.

8:33: Alec Baldwin is drinking Ambien-flavored Caprisun on a plane…sounds like a one-way ticket to hell.

8:33: Inception is the backdrop for the big opener featuring Franco, aka mescaline head, and Hathaway, aka sex. They are placing themselves in scenes from all 10 Best Picture nominees, which is actually pretty funny.

8:34: “I loved you in TRON,” Franco says to Jeff Bridges’ character in True Grit…this is off to a very good start.

8:35: Morgan Freeman shows up for no reason…he is Morgan Freeman, he needs no reason to do anything. If God was black, it would be him. Oh wait, he played God in Bruce Almighty! It all makes sense now.

8:36: We are having trouble following the opening montage. Alec Baldwin is back, as Franco and Hathaway are getting hosting tips from last year's emcee. King and I are both surprised that a morphine drip was not one of his advocacies.

8:37: Now our hosts have gotten into the Delorian for no reason and transporting themselves to the Oscars…what is happening?

8:38: “Shouldn’t McFly be McShaking?” King asks. Never too early for a Parkinson’s joke.

8:38: Holy hell is James Franco on a steady cocktail of downers. Hollywood must be spending a ton of money to keep him alive tonight.

8:39: Franco opens the show by saying how special it is for both hosts to be nominated tonight…except Anne is not nominated. Whatever, I saw Love and Other Drugs…she’s got exceptional tits. Built for speed AND comfort…I’d motorboat.

8:40: MILF alert: Anne’s mom pops up from the crowd to tell her daughter to stand up straight. I’d prefer them both laying down in my bed, naked, but since I sold my bed to some old drunk an hour ago I guess that’s not going to happen. Let’s just move on.

8:41: This has sort of become a discombobulated mess, but it wasn’t forced at all, so I’m digging these two, I’m a big fan of them both. Off to a much better start than last year's abortion featuring Baldwin and Steve Martin.

8:42: Tom Hanks shows up to give out the first award of the night…wow. Usually they don’t blow their loads with such a big star so soon. My guess is that Hanks has an appointment with a lake of beer he needs to get to.

8:43: 13 minutes in and we’ve got our first James Cameron/Titanic reference. Hey Cameron: FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCKKKKKKKK YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU and the ship you rode in on, you son of a bitch.

8:44: First award of the night is art direction? Really? I don’t even remember what I picked in my pool…I think King’s Speech.

8:45: ALICE IN WONDERLAND JUST WON AN OSCAR? THAT MOVIE SUCKED! God damn it, not a good start for your boy Special Ed.

8:46: Some chode and an old frazzled broad show up to accept their Oscar. He tells us he should have lost 20 pounds for the occasion…fuck off, and kill yourself, dude.

8:46: Oh boy, Hanks is still here for cinematography. I’ve got Inception here, I cannot fall into an early hole, I've got to avenge last year's pool defeat at the hands of The Hoffbeast.

8:47: INCEPTION FTW! BOOM! I knew Inception would win because the cinematographer’s name is FISTER. Way to go, bro!

8:49: First commercial break, I need to catch my breath. This would be a good time to let everyone know of an important list I’m compiling behind the scenes: top 5 actresses I will be thinking about in the shower later. Early frontrunners are Mila Kunis and Jennifer Lawrence, while King likes Anne Hathaway. “Can’t she just host the show naked?” he asks. In a perfect world, King.

8:51: And we’re back. Holy hell, Kirk Douglas is still alive?! I call bullshit, I bet they’re propping his corpse up from the rafters like some Weekend at Bernie’s shit.

8:52: Kirk is blatantly hitting on Hathaway…I guess old dudes still need spank bank material too.

8:53: I cannot understand a word this guy is saying. He's got to be about 137 years old at this point. Sounds like a dog with peanut butter on the roof of his mouth. BREAK IT, PEPE LAPEW!

8:55: Time for best supporting actress…I hope to God Hailee Steinfeld wins for True Grit but my money’s on Melissa Leo for The Fighter. The Academy seems to love those fake Boston accents.

8:55: Jesus H. Christ, Kirk Douglas, this is an epic disaster. Did he have a stroke and nobody told him?

8:57: JUST TELL US WHO WON THE AWARD, ASSHOLE! THIS IS NOT FUNNY ANYMORE!

8:57: Melissa Leo wins in what’s probably the most underwhelming category every single year. Seriously, can you go back a decade and find one supporting actress winner you can say really deserved it? Oh well, I’ve got no problems with Melissa Leo winning, she was quite good. What I do have a problem with is Kirk Douglas hijacking the Oscars…guy should’ve been worm food years ago.

8:59: Melissa Leo just dropped an F-bomb in her acceptance speech…YES! Not a bad looking older broad, either.

9:00: Is it really supposed to take 10 minutes to get through one category? This is going to be an excruciatingly long night.

9:01: Hey, anyone know where Christoph Waltz is? Wasn’t he supposed to give out that award as last year's winner? Is anybody listening to me?

9:01: Justin Timberlake: I’m Banksy. Awesome. I love you, JT, I don’t care if that makes me gay.

9:02: Justin and Mila Kunis are giving out the animated awards, or something. J.C. Bromero chimes in with a gem: Mila’s tits are mesmerizing…no, hypnotizing. I agree.

9:03: And the Oscar for animated short film goes to…nobody gives a shit. OK, The Lost Thing…never heard of it, never will see it, don’t care. Let’s move on.

9:04: The midget accepting the award says their film is about a creature that nobody understands…so Keanu Reeves?

9:06: Toy Story 3 wins best animated film in the second most predictable winner of the night, following Aaron Sorkin for best adapted screenplay. I really enjoyed that film—not as good as the first one but way better than the second. Good for them, a staple of my childhood for sure.

9:08: I’d like to star in Toy Story 4 with Mila Kunis and a purple dildo. TMI?

9:12: Im back after sucking down a smoke faster than Anne Hathaway sucks…well, you know.

9:13: Javier Bardem and Josh Brolin are on stage in white tuxes and bowties to present the screenplay awards. Is this real life?

9:14: 127 Hours is based on a book called Between a Rock and Mescaline Head, King tells me. Hard to argue.

9:15: Aaron Sorkin predictably wins for The Social Network…well deserved. Anyone else remember him on Entourage? I wonder if he ever banged that fat pig Jessica Simpson?

9:16: Sorkin just mentioned a guinea pig…I’m having trouble keeping up. I wish I was live blogging from LA so I could get some of Josh Brolin’s bomb ass cocaine to keep me awake.

9:17: Original screenplay is going to PISS ME OFF if The King’s Speech wins. I cannot tell you how much I disliked that movie.

9:18: Fucking King’s Speech, Jesus Christ. At least I am owning this Oscar pool so far.

9:19: Hey David Seidler, you’re an asshole for writing a movie that took me a good 4 hours to get through while watching on my laptop. Counting the lines of my fingertips was more entertaining.

9:21: I am bored out of my mind right now. The state of cinema is pretty sad if I can’t get excited about the Oscars for 2 straight years. Last year was just pure shit, and now the name of the game seems to be predictability. I need to see more famous ladies to think about in the shower later.

9:23: Update from King: he is on his fifth “ber,” and clearly having trouble spelling. “Is Anne Hathaway wearing a tux?” he asks. “I’d still fuck her in it and be happy.” Any filter he had is now permanently gone.

9:25: Everyone seems to be ragging on Hugh Jackman this year, which is fine with me. Fuck that dude.

9:26: I LOVE James Franco. “I just got a text message from Charlie Sheen,” he says as he emerges from backstage dressed as Marilyn Monroe.

9:27: Why is Russell Brand presenting at the Oscars? He is funny as hell, but I will never forgive him for stealing Katy Perry from me. Game-changing chesticles right there.

9:28: Some Danish film just won Best Foreign Film…did I pick that? I don’t know.

9:28: Oh shit, this Danish MILF has a nice rack. Me + her + a gallon of baby oil = bliss.

9:29: Sex, aka Reese Witherspoon, is here to give Christian Bale his Oscar for The Fighter. “I’d eat her butt,” Bromero says. Pretty sure he stole my line.

9:30: If Bale doesn’t win this, you’re doing this alone, King tells me. I don’t think I could handle that.

9:31: Wait, Kenny Powers’ brother was nominated for an Oscar? What the hell is going on here?

9:32: Jeremy Renner is back, having lost yet another courageous battle with a keg of PBR. I like Renner a lot, as he is good at being the best part of otherwise underwhelming movies (The Hurt Locker, The Town).

9:33: Why does Geoffrey Rush have a BIC’ed head? Does he have cancer or did some fraternity brothers just play a mean prank on him?

9:33: Way to go, Christian Bale! Now go terrorize some poor intern backstage, my good man!

9:34: “I’m not going to drop the F-bomb like Melissa did,” Bale says. “I’ve done that before.” What a drunken buffoon, I like it.

9:35: These Oscars are moving so fast that I can’t keep up. Since when do they give out so many major awards this early?

9:36: JJ Abrams has a new movie coming out called Super 8…is it too early to nominate the worst movie of 2011?

9:39: Some shitbird is on stage thanking ABC for its loyalty in airing the Oscars for 36 years. He also said he’s a Brooklyn Dodgers supporter. The Dodgers played in Brooklyn?

9:40: OK, new category: women over 40 to think about in the shower. Thank you, Nicole Kidman and Sandra Bullock, for the inspiration.

9:43: Nicole and asshat Hugh Jackman are here for Best Original Score…I never thought I’d see the day Trent Reznor of Nine Inch Nails would win an Oscar, but it’s about to happen. The music in that film was SO good.

9:44: Well, well deserved for Trent Reznor and Atticus Ross, even though Nine Inch Nails might be one of the worst bands to ever exist.

9:44: “Is this really happening?” Trent begins his speech. I’ve been asking that question for the last few hours, bro.

9:45: Note to my future wife out there: we’re naming our first son Atticus. Deal with it.

9:46: Tits (Scarlett Jo) and Matthew McCoughanngneheheyryehey are here to look beautiful and present the sound mixing award. All right, all right, all right…that’s what I love about these high school girls, man; the older I get, they stay the same age. Words to live by.

9:47: Inception wins for sound mixing, which I called. I’m straight up owning this Oscar pool.

9:49: “Can I bang whatever part of her she will let me?” King asks about ScarJO. Sure King, as long as you’re fine with that part being nothing.

9:50: Inception wins the other sound award, narrowly knocking off Taking the Train 2. In other news, ScarJO is solidly in the top 5 of the ongoing shower time list.

10:04: Just took a 10-minute phone break to catch up with Cousin Mike. He has the right idea by not even watching the Oscars…I cannot keep up with what is happening here.

10:05: Apprently while I was gone Wolfman won for Best Makeup. Something won for costume design, but nobody seems to know what. I ask King, to which he says: I honestly don’t know, nor do I care. OK then, moving on.

10:06: Both King and Bromero are marveling at Mandy Moore, who is on stage singing some terrible song. I like Mandy Moore, but not when she’s dressed like a peacock. She’s not on the shower time list…sorry guys.

10:12: Dear Jake Gyllenhaal, we all hate you and want you dead…signed, Everybody.

10:13: Jake tells us that short films have the power to screw you over on Oscar pools. Hey, thanks for the news flash, you smug prick.

10:14: Strangers No More wins best short film, I think. Wasn’t that the movie the one where Liv Tyler and the guy that looks like Tweeder from Varsity Blues got stalked by a bunch of weirdos in their house and Dennis from Always Sunny got his face blown off? I don’t even know what I am saying anymore.

10:15: You know nobody cares about an Oscar category when the winning recipient has to come down from the rafters to accept their award.

10:16: Some dude with an awful Jew ‘fro just won an Oscar for live action short film, and I’m sitting in a bedless room in an empty apartment right now. Life just is not fair.

10:18: Woody from Toy Story, Bella Swan, and the ginger from Harry Potter are now singing in autotune for some unknown reason…I’m this close to giving up.

10:19: “If I had a gun, I’d blow my brains out right now,” I tell King. In other news James Franco looks less interested than me. He is my only saving grace tonight.

10:20: Here’s Oprah, probably to talk about black power. Why does she have $203924932 billion again? JUST GO AWAY, PLEASE!

10:21: Mingey is here to present the award for best documentary feature, which better go to the amazing Exit Through the Gift Shop. If the notoriously anonymous Banksy wins an Oscar and is there to accept the award in some sort of crazy get-up, it may very well revive me.

10:22: WHAT!?!?!?!?!?! EXIT THROUGH THE GIFT SHOP LOST TO INSIDE JOB?!?! How did a Denzel Washington/Clive Owen crapfest win over the best documentary I’ve ever seen in my life?! Fuck this, seriously, fuck this.

10:24: Can they just get Jeff Bridges stoned and let him host the Oscars next year?

10:25: This running diary sucks a dick the size of Mark Wahlberg’s fake member at the end of Boogie Nights. I apologize, but I’ve got nothing to work with. I’m not MacGuyver, people. I take back what I said—these are the worst Oscars of my life. At least Bridges and Christoph Waltz won last year and James Cameron got embarrassed…this year, nothing of the sort.

10:27: Even worse, I don’t even have Spaghetti-O’s this year to make the night better.

10:27: Billy Crystal sighting, YES! Why in the shit is he not hosting this show?

10:28: “The producers say we’re running a bit long,” Crystal says. “So here are the nominees for Best Picture.” God, I wish it could end right now.

10:29: Billy Crystal is undoubtedly drunk as sin and high as hell. I wish I could say the same for myself. This is excruciating.

10:30: “I know the perfect fix for this night,” I tell King. “Suicide?” he says. Mind reader!

10:32: Jude Law (asshole) and Robert Downey Jr. (awesome, but Iron Man 2 and Due Date were awful) are here to present the visual effects award. Apparently Sherlock Holmes 2 is out later this year. I didn’t see the first one—sorry Guy Ritchie, stick to British gangster films, dawg.

10:33: Inception wins best visual effects…DUH! I just wish they could’ve used CGI to completely remove Ellen Page from that film.

10:34: Me: Do you think DiCaprio is even there?

King: Would you be there when your house features a ski lift made entirely of cocaine?

Me: I imagine I would not.

10:35: They are giving out awards faster than my ex-girlfriend spreads VD. At least The Social Network won another award, this time for best editing.

10:39: What was it that Kevin Spacey said at the beginning of American Beauty? “Jerking off in the shower…this will be the highlight of my day.” I plan on testing out this theory in about 45 minutes.

10:41: I love James Franco…he makes sexual double entendres about the titles of Winter’s Bone, Rabbit Hole and How to Train Your Dragon. This is exactly why the man should win an Oscar tonight. Eat a dick, Colin Firth.

10:42: Florence Welch is sort of hot, no? As a ginger, I don’t usually go for munching on red carpet, but I’d go there with her. That Dog Days are Over song is fucking fire. RUN FAST FOR YOUR MOTHER, FAST FOR YOUR FATHER, FAST FOR YOUR CHILDREN AND YOUR SISTERS AND YOUR BROTHERS.

10:43: Wait a minute, why is she singing the song from 127 Hours? Wasn’t Dido nominated for this? First good decision the Academy made tonight by not letting her anywhere near the stage.

10:44: Wait a minute, part II: Gwyneth Paltrow is country music’s newest star??? SINCE WHEN?!? Wasn’t she singing with Cee-Lo Green and Muppets at the Grammys? Pretty sure that is not considered country music, assholes.

10:45: When you slit your wrists, are you supposed to cut horizontally or vertically? I just want to make sure I get it right.

10:46: Skinny (but still hideous) Jennifer Hudson gives the Oscar for Best Original Song to Randy Newman for Toy Story 3. He’s now 2-for-20 in Oscar history…sounds like Ryan Howard in the World Series.

10:48: Randy Newman is lamenting how unbalanced the Oscar categories are. Four best song nominees, three for best makeup, 10 best picture nominees and 5 of everything else. Certainly agree with you there, ya old Jew.

10:51: I hope Justin Bieber gets stabbed in the dick, face, balls and heart.

10:52: CELINE DION WHY?! We already gave out the music awards, GOOOOOOOOOOO AWAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY.

10:53: Oh, we’re honoring the dead assholes from this past year. All of these people can rot for all I care. I’m actually jealous of them for being dead so they didn’t have to watch this show.

10:54: An animator named Littlejohn died in 2010. WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT? OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOK! YEEEEEEEEEEEAHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

10:55: OK, I lied, Dennis Hopper is the tits. CLETUS, MY FRIEND, MY GOOD FRIEND! We’re gonna run the picket fence, but don’t get caught watching the paint dry!

10:56: Shut up, Halle Berry. I don’t know who Lena Horn is, nor do I care. She’s the first black woman to sign a contract with MGM? That’s great, and I’m going to be the first ginger to blow my brains out watching the Oscars but I doubt anyone will be celebrating my soulless ass next year.

11:01: To quote Quagmire regarding Anne Hathaway, “Hello lips, legs, breasts and ass.”

11:01: Hilary Swank, eww. Looks like her face lost an ugly battle with a weed wacker.

11:02: Kathryn Bigelow, I love you. Not only are you still a piece of ass at about 60 years old, but you directed one of the best movies of all-time in Point Break. VAYA CON DIOS, BRAH!

11:03: And the Oscar for Best Director goes to…Danny Boyle! Oh no wait, he wasn’t nominated. Douche bags.

11:04: WHAT!?!?!?!?!?!?! TOM HOOPER JUST BEAT DAVID FINCHER FOR BEST DIRECTOR??!?! OPEN MOUTH, INSERT GUN.

11:04: I am absolutely irate, what a travesty. David Fincher just got robbed by this fucking thief, who looks just like a young James Cameron. SON OF A BITCH!

11:06: Annette Bening looks like she’s about 110 years old, yikes. Nobody wants to see you playing a lesbian at that age, sweetheart. Warren Beatty must cheat on her constantly.

11:08: More old Jews on the stage, aka my worst nightmare. I am downright homicidal at this point.

11:09: It’s been decided…I am boycotting the Oscars next year and getting black out drunk instead. Who’s going to win an Oscar next? Michael Bay? Vin Diesel? Robert Patterson? Is nothing sacred anymore?

11:11: James Franco, I again want to state how awesome you are. Your apathy for this horseshit is my only saving grace.

11:12: OK, 2 saving graces as His Dudeness (or El Duderino, if you’re not into the whole brevity thing) emerges from his blunt chamber to present the award for Best Actress.

11:14: It’s official, I want to eat Jennifer Lawrence’s butt after she runs a marathon in the 100-degree heat and I don’t care who knows it.

11:15: King: Natalie Portman can sit on my face in any circumstance. Yes, it’s come to that.

11:16: Well done, Natalie Portman! Probably the only thing I can be happy about tonight. What a little Jewish delight you are.

11:17: Another one from King: She would kill you before she had sex with you. Sad, but true.

11:18: Wait, did she just thank Michelle Rodriguez? I hope that’s a different one from that annoying sack of shit actress from Avatar.

11:19: Natalie Portman brought the house down in Black Swan, but her best role to date is her first in 1994’s The Professional. BRING ME EVERRRRRRRRRRYYYYYYOOOOOOONEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

11:20: Sandra Bullock you are so, so gorgeous. I am upset we didn’t get together during my time in Austin. I hope your ex-husband gets his balls ripped off and has to left the rest of his life as a castrated eunich.

11:22: I love you Jeff Bridges, and I am so happy you exist. The dude abides!

11:22: Is there a more awkward Jew on this earth than Jesse Eisenberg? An absolute powerhouse performance in The Social Network that I feel has not gotten the praise it deserves. Oh, also, eat shit and die, Mark Zuckerberg.

11:23: Colin Firth, you never will have a shot with me. I’m sure you are a good dude, but I hated this movie and I will hate it even more when it inevitably wins Best Picture in a few minutes. Congratulations, you are the Kevin Costner/Dances with Wolves of my generation. I wish you nothing but the worst. (“Not the worst,” King says. “Just death in the worst possible way.”)

11:24: James Franco, you are the tits, bro. You aren’t going to win here, but I hope you find solace in the fact that this ginger balls thinks you gave the best performance by an actor in 2010. Bravo, my good man, bravo.

11:25: STUTTERING STANLEY, STUTTERING STANLEY, STUTTERING STANLEY, STUTTERING STANLEY…SH-SH-SHUT UP, YOU FREAK!

11:28: That was the most boring acceptance speech of all-time by Colin Firth, which is kind of fitting if you think about the source material.

11:32: Here’s Steven Spielbergo to twist the knife in my gut even further by giving the award for best movie of the year to the worst one nominated.

11:33: I will say this, these 10 movies were leaps and bounds better than the 10 nominated last year. I felt none of those deserved to win an Oscar; at least this year I highly enjoyed 8 of the 10, I just wish the one I liked the least wasn’t going to win.

11:35: However, I will admit, I thought it was really cool the way they dubbed the montage for Best Picture nominees with Colin Firth’s speech at the end of that shitbird movie. Very, very cool, the one thing Oscar got right tonight.

11:36: And the Oscar for Best Picture goes to…

11:37: I’m not even gonna say it.

11:37: King sums it up perfectly: “Fuck this fucking night…in the face.” At least I won both of my Oscar pools! Special Ed, OUT!

My Gift to the World: The Fake Stomach

2011-02-28T11:37:00.000-05:00

It’s time to make the world a better place, inventors. Let’s stop playing around with phone apps and get down to what really matters: our eating habits. I’ve come up with the invention that will benefit all of western civilization and I’m giving it to the world for free. Ladies and gentleman, the fake stomach…

That’s right, our progress has finally exceeded our bodies and it’s time we start leveling the playing field. I’m sure they’re working on cyborg brain enhancing computer chips – that’s all fine and dandy – but what I’m more biologically interested in is food. I want to eat all the shit I can but not gain weight. Impossible you say? Not anymore, baby.

With the fake stomach, you’ll be able to enjoy all the candy, donuts, ice cream, and deep fried snickers you want. Just flick the switch and your digestive track will redirect the food to a synthetic stomach that simply acts as a storage unit. Rather than digest the fatty foods, it will just sit there until you’re ready to empty the container. And when your body is craving actual nutrients, eat your foo foo salad and switch it back to the regular stomach line. Simple.

Scientists, get on this NOW. All I ask is that I’m first in line for the procedure....and that you call it a Hoffbeasterectemy.

Second annual BCP Oscars pool extravaganza!

2011-02-25T20:25:00.001-05:00

Despite the fact that I've indefinitely slowed down production on the blog to concentrate on other important aspects of life (you know, getting a real job, making money, shit like that), I would certainly hope that we're still your preferred destination for the most kickass Academy Award coverage out there. A self-proclaimed Oscar geek and opinionated asshole when it comes to movies, I thrive on being able to share my zany thoughts with the world regarding cinema's biggest day of the year. Last year, when the blog was still in its infancy stages, BCP featured two massive Oscar-related posts: the raunchy yet thorough running diary of the actual award show (this will return on Sunday, too), as well as an Oscar pool featuring three of this website's most esteemed contributors in myself, Cousin Mike and the Hoffbeast. That sonofabitch from Cleveland eeked out a close victory over yours truly, picking correctly in 13 categories to my 11 (Cousin Mike, who had only seen two of the 10 Best Picture nominees, finished with a respectable 9 points). Thankfully, my shot at vengeance is on the horizon, and I'm more prepared for the Oscars this year than any other year in my life. All three participants from last year's pool return, and we've added a fourth competitor in J.C. Bromero, mainly because I fancy making him my bitch anytime we're both involved in an Oscar pool (I absolutely trounced him in 2009, easiest $20 I ever made). For the most part we'll be following the same format as last year, so how's about we stop dicking around and get down to business...

The 2010 Academy Awards were easily the worst since I started following them in 1997. For starters, they expanded the number of Best Picture nominees from five to 10, which in theory is an OK idea because it's a chance to showcase more of the year's best films; however, when all 10 films nominated are not worthy of such an esteemed honor, the show drags like nails on a chalkboard. While I was beyond happy that The Hurt Locker knocked off Avatar (one of the most overrated films of all-time, in this writer's opinion) to win Best Picture, it was probably the most underwhelming winner since Chicago in 2003. In fact, I'm willing to go as far as saying only two winners from last year were warranted (Jeff Bridges for Crazy Heart and Christoph Waltz for Inglourious Basterds). Thankfully this year was much better in terms of quality, and I thoroughly enjoyed eight of the 10 Best Picture nominees. (Cousin Mike, consequently, has seen zero of the 10 and is back, as always, for his acerbic viewpoint and ability to offer comic relief by spewing vitriol every which way.) So even though the show will likely be a predictable snoozefest, at least some well-deserving folks are bound to take home trophies this time around.

It's a big year for the Academy, who struck out big time in 2010 by tabbing veteran comics Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin as co-hosts. It was a promising concept that just fizzled big-time, and as a result the rest of the show was a complete and utter trainwreck. This time around, they're rolling the dice by going young, appointing Best Actor nominee James Franco and former Best Actress nominee Anne Hathaway as hosts of the big show. Hathaway, while beautiful and talented, is the youngest host in the show's history, so it's a big time gamble...I much would have preferred Ricky Gervais, who absolutely killed it as Golden Globes host, but whatever. The format for our pool will be the same as last year, employing a What should win & what will actually win for each category (they can and often will be the same). Also, to make things more interesting, I'm slapping a point value on each category, and at the end of the Oscars I'll tally up the results...whoever gets the most "who will win's" will be the victor--my money is obviously on myself, as always. Sound good? OK then, let's get on with it...

BEST PICTURE (8 points)

Nominees: 127 Hours; Black Swan; The Fighter; Inception; The Kids Are All Right; The King’s Speech; The Social Network; Toy Story 3; True Grit; Winter’s Bone

SPECIAL ED

What should win: The Social Network

What will win: The King's Speech

I’ve just got this sinking feeling in my stomach that the yawn-inducing King’s Speech, which leads the pack with 12 nominations, is going to continue its late front-running surge by swooping in and stealing the award from The Social Network, which was easily the best film of the year. Seriously, 12 nominations? For what?! That movie was boring as shit! Sure the acting by Colin Firth, Geoffrey Rush and Helena Bonham Carter is pretty top-notch, but who cares when the story is so god damn boring? I’ll be the first to admit that, along with musicals, British royalty flicks are not my thing. If I’m watching a British film, I want to be seeing lots of swearing, drinking and gratuitous violence, none of which are present in The King’s Speech. To quote Homer Simpson, "I've seen plays more exciting than this...honest to God, PLAYS!" Do the right thing, Academy: follow in the footsteps of your friends over at the Golden Globes and give the honor to the monumental film that truly deserves to win.

THE HOFFBEAST

What should win/what will win: The Social Network

A third option for this category should be “Who I would LIKE to see win” and in that case, it’s Toy Story 3. But they are such different films and when I take a look at the whole and try to think which film is most representative of the progress of the art form, The Social Network stands above the rest. It’s got everything you’d want from a great film, its tone and pacing are perfect, and it strikes a great chord with both the generation it explores and other generations trying to understand it. The script, the direction, the score, and the performances all drive this to be an easy choice for the Best Film of the year.

COUSIN MIKE

What should win: Black Swan

What will win: The Social Network

I have not seen any of these movies, although I'd have passing interest in all of them except 127 Hours (the dude cuts his fuckin' arm off with a tiny little knife!) and Winter's Bone (What the hell is that? Never heard of it). Oscars, why do you nominate 10 movies? That is such a farce. Looking at the list, I feel the need to remind everyone, I am not on Facebook. I hate it with the white-hot fury of one thousand suns. I'm convinced Facebook is some sort of pyramid scheme, taking all of your vital information, comprising your identity and eventually it will be revealed that Mark Zuckerberg has profited off of you all in crass fashion. Or not. Nevertheless, I can't be bothered with that specious waste of time. Therefore Social Network will win and I'll have to hear about how that is The Graduate of my generation. My body will break out in hives and I'll look like Woogie at the end of There's Something About Mary because of it.

J.C. BROMERO

What should win: The Social Network

What will win: The King's Speech

It's no secret that The Social Network was the best movie of the year. I loved every second of it. However, I think the Academy will try to be "smarter" than the viewers this year and give the big award to The King's Speech. That being said King's Speech was awesome and just very technically sound. It is NOT undeserving.

BEST ACTOR (5 points)

Nominees: Javier Bardem, Biutiful; Jeff Bridges, True Grit; Jesse Eisenberg, The Social Network; Colin Firth, The King’s Speech; James Franco, 127 Hours

SPECIAL ED

Who should win: James Franco

Who will win: Colin Firth

Throughout award season, Colin Firth has been fellated like he just came up with the cure for cancer or something. I’m pretty sure he’s won every single award given out so far, and for what, being a Stuttering Stanley for 2 hours? James Franco deserves so much praise for his performance as Aron Ralston, the famed hiker who amputated his own arm when he became trapped in a remote Utah canyon. Franco is Ralston down to every last detail, and his concluding triumph is far more uplifting than whatever boring shit happens at the end of The Stuttering Idiot’s Speech.

THE HOFFBEAST

Who should win/who will win: Colin Firth

What a fantastic performance by an actor who continually impresses me. This time, however, he has really shown himself to be the best of the crop. To pull off the speech impediment without making it gimmicky and overbearing is a feat in and of itself. I read in an interview that he focused on playing the struggle to NOT have a stutter rather than the stutter it self and I think it worked beautifully. It’s a humorous, emotional, and powerful performance.

COUSIN MIKE

Who should win: Jeff Bridges

Who will win: Jesse Eisenberg

Wasn't Eisenberg pining after some conniving tart and looking for twinkies with Billy Hoyle in the fall of 2009? Now he's in contention for arguably the highest honor in his field? Has new shit come to light? Gotta go with Bridges here, although I think he won last year for Crazy Heart so I doubt he'd win again. He's good, but he's no Tom Hanks.

J.C. BROMERO

Who should win/who will win: Colin Firth

Truth be told he's the best performance that I've seen this year. I didn't see 127 Hours or Biutful. I also don't see either Franco or Bardem as potential foils for Firth, though I've heard Franco was excellent. Plus any movie that contains a scene where the actor just curses for the hell of it for a few minutes is okay with me!

BEST ACTRESS (5 points)

Nominees: Annette Bening, The Kids Are All Right; Nicole Kidman, Rabbit Hole; Jennifer Lawrence, Winter’s Bone; Natalie Portman, Black Swan; Michelle Williams, Blue Valentine

SPECIAL ED

Who should win/who will win: Natalie Portman

This category is like Tyson fighting an infant. The four pretenders here were all good in their respective roles, but Portman was great as tormented ballerina Nina Sayers. Scratch that, she was better than great; she was spectacular. I’ve said for years that my favorite little Jewish delight is the best working actress out there right now, and she proved it in a big way in Black Swan. Far and away the best acting performance of 2010.

THE HOFFBEAST

Who should win: Annette Bening

Who will win: Natalie Portman

This one is pretty close; the difference between the two is really a difference in the styles of film. Like The Kids Are All Right, Annette Bening’s performances is real and nuanced. And Like Black Swan, Natalie Portman’s performance is highly emotional and downright strange. What we have is two actresses perfectly contributing what was required of them. I happened to like The Kids are All Right more so that’s my choice, but when I factor in the politics and buzz, Portman’s got it.

COUSIN MIKE

Who should win: Natalie Portman

Who will win: Annette Bening

Sometimes I find Natalie Portman attractive, sometimes I find her frightening (beat up with a shaved head in Hotel Chevalier). I suppose she is an excellent actress though, employing method techniques to make you forget who you're actually watching on screen. What I'm saying is, when I watch something with Jennifer Aniston in it, I'm not forgetting she's Jennifer Aniston. Maybe Portman will win, but I can see the Academy throwing a forkball at everyone by giving it to Bening, who played a bulldyke in that movie she's nominated for, I think.

J.C. BROMERO

Who should win/who will win: Natalie Portman

If Natalie Portman doesn't win this award I will be pretty upset. That's all it comes down to. How doesn't she win, she was CRAZY PYSCHO in that movie. Totally out of her normal character.

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR (4 points)

Nominees: Christian Bale, The Fighter; John Hawkes, Winter’s Bone; Jeremy Renner, The Town; Mark Ruffalo, The Kids Are All Right; Geoffrey Rush, The King’s Speech

SPECIAL ED

Who should win/who will win: Christian Bale

While the gap in the competition here isn’t quite as overwhelming as in the category above, Christian Bale still easily stands out above the rest of the pack. Is he a raging asshole in real life? Probably, but that doesn’t matter here. Bale, notorious for his method acting abilities, completely loses himself as boxer-turned-crackhead Dicky Eklund, and the results are staggering. He’s one of the best out there right now, and he’s going to get his due come Oscar night. Props to Geoffrey Rush and Jeremy Renner for being lone standouts in otherwise lousy films.

THE HOFFBEAST

Who should win/who will win: Christian Bale

Geoffrey Rush was my top choice until I saw Christian Bale’s scary transformation in The Fighter. The film itself isn’t very good but his performance deserves to be ranked among the most submersed – Robert Deniro’s Travis Bickle in Taxi Driver, Daniel Day-Lewis’ Daniel Plainview in There Will Be Blood, etc.

COUSIN MIKE

Who should win: Christian Bale

Who will win: Geoffrey Rush

Christian Bale should win only so he doesn't terrorize some poor page boy over it. I think Geoffrey Rush will win because he won in 1996 for Shine, and I'll bet the Academy wants to show off that schizo's talents again to a larger audience. (I call him a schizo based off of the 20 minutes I saw of Shine when I was 11 before I fell asleep on the floor.)

J.C. BROMERO

Who should win/who will win: Christian Bale

Although Rush was splendid in The King's Speech, he wasn't the tour de force that Bale was in The Fighter. Bale totally kicked ass in losing weight to played cracked out Dicky Eklund. He just nailed it. And how about this stat: only ONCE in history did an actor fail to win an Oscar after winning the Critic's Choice, Golden Globe AND the SAG Award. That was Eddie Murphy in the terrible Dreamgirls. Also only one time in history of guys in the same movie taken home Best Actor/Supporting Actor awards. Sorry, Geoffrey Rush!

BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS (4 points)

Nominees: Amy Adams, The Fighter; Helena Bonham Carter, The King’s Speech; Melissa Leo, The Fighter; Hailee Steinfeld, True Grit; Jacki Weaver, Animal Kingdom

SPECIAL ED

Who should win: Hailee Steinfeld

Who will win: Melissa Leo

I’m very blah about this category, as is often the case every year. In fact, I had to go all the way back to 1998 to Kim Basinger in L.A. Confidential where I said, “Oh hell yeah, she definitely deserved that.” It’s just a boring category that never seems to feature a major standout performance. So while I don’t think it’s an Oscar-winning role, I was floored by the 14-year-old Steinfeld in True Grit; in her first ever acting role, she easily outshone the likes of Jeff Bridges, Matt Damon and Josh Brolin in a Coen Brothers film. Not bad. And while I preferred Adams’ performance to Leo’s in The Fighter, the latter has been well-decorated this awards season as Mark Wahlberg and Christian Bale’s tough as nails mother and is probably a steady favorite on Oscar night.

THE HOFFBEAST

Who should win/who will win: Melissa Leo

None of these other gals really wowed me. Amy Adams has been much better in other films, Helena Bonham Carter didn’t stand out, and Hailee Steinfeld was only impressive considering how bad the original actress was in her role from the John Wayne True Grit. I don’t know who Melissa Leo is but I know that her character seemed so real that it was painful to watch. It’s not a glamorous race this year but it’s a clear one.

COUSIN MIKE

Who should win: Amy Adams

Will will win: That tiny girl from True Grit

Does everyone remember when they first saw Amy Adams? She was totally in a few episodes of The Office in its first couple seasons, first as a traveling saleswoman, then as Jim Halpert's bubbly and ebullient girlfriend. We all knew Jim and Pam were going to wind up together, and Pam Beesly has (had? I stopped watching after she had the kid) a great bod, but Amy Adams brought it in her short time on the show. Just think, if Jim had stayed with Adams' character, maybe The Office would still be funny or believable. It just seems like it's time for the Academy to give the award to a child, blowing everyone's mind in the process. (Although didn't some little tyke win for The Girl with the Whalebone Earring recently? I don't know, man, movies aren't my thing.)

J.C. BROMERO

Who should win: Amy Adams

Who will win: Melissa Leo

Alright, I haven't seen Animal Kingdom yet, but I couldn't stand Haliee Steinfeld. First, dumb ass spelling of your name. Second, you were annoying as fuck. Listen the Fighter made me like Amy Adams, and I normally hate her. It made me hate Melissa Leo, playing Alice Ward, and plus I've never even heard of Melissa Leo. But the scene in which Leo wraps up the award is when she goes from extreme disappointment and sadness after seeing Bale's Dicky high, to extreme laughter and remembrance like only a mother could, as Bale sings "I Started a Joke."

BEST DIRECTOR (6 points)

Nominees: Darren Aronofsky, Black Swan; Ethan & Joel Coen, True Grit; David Fincher, The Social Network; Tom Hooper, The King’s Speech; David O. Russell, The Fighter

SPECIAL ED

Who should win: Danny Boyle, 127 Hours (not nominated because Oscar law states that the Coen Brothers must be nominated every year)

Who will win: David Fincher

Of those nominated, I thought Aronofsky’s direction stood out the most. I’m a huge fan of The Wrestler and Requiem for a Dream, and I think he succeeded those efforts…no easy task. As for Fincher, I felt the quality of Aaron Sorkin’s screenplay was much better than Fincher’s actual direction, but I guess I can’t complain that the director of Fight Club and Seven is going to win an Oscar. I’m still seething over the fact that Boyle (a winner for Slumdog Millionaire in 2009) isn’t nominated. How often do you leave a movie in which the first thing you say is, “Man, the director directed the absolute shit out of that movie?” Not often, right? Well that’s how I felt about Boyle here, who shot the entire movie in the same Utah desert that trapped the real Aron Ralston for five days.

THE HOFFBEAST

Who should win/who will win: David Fincher

This year, I was much more impressed with the subtle balancing act of David Fincher’s work than the loud, in your face, directing with a capitol D from Darren Aronofsky. Both were top notch directors this year but when you look at the script, the films’ expectations, and what they delivered, The Social Network is just much more deserving of praise.

COUSIN MIKE

Who should win/who will win: The Coen Brothers

Have you ever seen The Hudsucker Proxy? How about Miller's Crossing? Those two weirdos make some good flicks. Maybe Darren Arfonkoskify will win for getting Portman and Mila Kunis to bump uglies on screen. J.C. Bromero is eternally grateful.

J.C. BROMERO

Who should win: Darren Aronofsky

Who will win: David Fincher

Darren Aronofsky blew my mind with the direction of Black Swan. The camera angles, the use of mirrors, black and white...it was all awesome and at times overwhelming. However, I think the Academy recognizes The Social Network and how awesome Fincher was here.

BEST ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY (4 points)

Nominees: Mike Leigh, Another Year; Scott Silver, Paul Tamsay, Eric Johnson & Keith Dorrington, The Fighter; Christopher Nolan, Inception; Lisa Cholodenko & Stuart Blumberg, The Kids Are All Right; David Seidler, The King’s Speech

SPECIAL ED

Who should win: Christopher Nolan, Inception

Who will win: David Seidler, The King's Speech

Most of the heavy hitters are in adapted screenplay this year, so I won’t waste too much time on this one. The intricate and complex mind-fucking nature of Nolan’s script should win by default (seriously, how did he come up with that craziness?!), and I'm still unclear how James Cameron received a Best Director nod last year for Avatar but the extremely talented Nolan did not. Anyway, I’m sure the Acadamy is swooning for the chance to give The King’s Speech another major award. Ohhhhh, it’s so artsy and royal and graceful in its presentation! No, it’s graceful in making me want to have a sleep!

THE HOFFBEAST

Who should win/who will win: Lisa Cholodenko & Stuart Blumberg, The Kids Are All Right

I think this is a case where the Academy will use this category to represent the overall worth of The Kids Are All Right. It’s very deserving of every nomination it has received, but it’s in tough competition in every category but this one. A shoe-in, though I still don’t understand the title.

COUSIN MIKE

Who should win: Lisa Cholodenko & Stuart Blumberg, The Kids Are All Right

Who will win: David Seidler, The King's Speech

The King's Speech is the movie you can watch with your grandmother, which I think is a backhanded compliment now that I'm rereading what I've written. If Christopher Nolan wasn't busy pulling out all the visual stops with Inception, he might've written a coherent screenplay. I bet the Kids Are All Right is full of witty exposition, but the damn movie has the same title as a Who song and possibly a Who concert video. I HATE when popular culture does that. JUST THINK OF ANOTHER TITLE!!! Screen writers, if you're stuck, just call on the re-re's who name banal Nicholas Cage dizzying action clusterfucks. Cue the movie announcer: "Nicholas Cage, Megan Fox in BANGKOK DRIVE DANGEROUSLY FURIOUS!"

J.C. BROMERO

Who should win: Christopher Nolan, Inception

Who will win: David Seidler, The King's Speech

Inception should be recognized as probably being the favorite movie of the year in this category. The screenplay/concept had everyone shaking their heads and members of this blog debating amongst themselves. Wouldn't be surprised if King's Speech walks away with another award, but I want to see Nolan win.

BEST ADAPTED SCREENPLAY (4 points)

Nominees: Danny Boyle & Simon Beaufoy, 127 Hours; Aaron Sorkin, The Social Network; Michael Arndt, John Lasseter, Andrew Stanton & Lee Unkrich, Toy Story 3; Joel & Ethan Coen, True Grit; Debra Granik & Anne Rosellini, Winter’s Bone

SPECIAL ED

Who should win/who will win: Aaron Sorkin, The Social Network

I feel like this has been decided since Aaron Sorkin clicked “Save” on his final draft of The Social Network script. I’m still stunned and amazed at how crisp and clever the dialogue was despite it being as lightning-quick as it was. The performances were great and David Fincher did a nice job directing, but this movie is as good as it is because of Sorkin’s adaptation of Ben Mezrich’s book “The Accidental Billionaires.” Anytime you’re convincingly beating out a Danny Boyle or Coen Brothers script, you know you knocked it out of the park.

THE HOFFBEAST

Who should win/who will win: Aaron Sorkin, The Social Network

Aaron Sorkin is one of the best screenwriters alive today and The Social Network is proof of that. Think about the balances he struck with this piece – hating the main character yet sympathizing with him, dealing with real people yet using artistic license, making computer programming exciting, showing a very specific instance and having it relate to an entire generation – all the while giving us kickass dialogue like only he can.

COUSIN MIKE

Who should win: The Coen Brothers, True Grit

Who will win: Aaron Sorkin, The Social Network

I'm looking forward to this year's movie based on Twitter starring Jonah Hill and Jason Segel. I hear Norman Mailer was called in to do rewrites.

J.C. BROMERO

Who should win/who will win: Aaron Sorkin, The Social Network

The Social Network was perfectly written. That's all I can really say. This might be the most obvious award of the night.

BEST ANIMATED FILM (4 points)

Nominees: How to Train Your Dragon; The Illusionist; Toy Story 3

SPECIAL ED

What should win/what will win: Toy Story 3

Any other year I’d say the excellent How to Train Your Dragon’s got a chance, but not when it’s up against Buzz and Woody’s final goodbye. Toy Story 3 was just so effing good—any movie that can make a 24-year-old man want to cry when it’s over probably did what it had set out to from the start. Bravo, Toy Story 3, bravo.

THE HOFFBEAST

What should win/what will win: Toy Story 3

Pixar is like Tom Hanks in the 1990s. Each time you think they’ve peaked, they come back with yet another masterful film that deserves monumental recognition. If it were simply as good as the first two films in the series, Toy Story 3 would have been well received but the Oscar would be given to How to Train Your Dragon to celebrate Dreamworks finally rising to higher animated standards. But Toy Story 3 was EVEN BETTER than the first two and spoke to EVEN BETTER themes tied in with the franchise. It’s exciting, it’s funny, and it’s extremely heartfelt. Nevermind underdogs and politics, this movie is too good not to earn an Oscar.

COUSIN MIKE

What should win/what will win: Toy Story 3

Didn't The Illusionist star Hugh Jackman and David Bowie and feature a story about potentially evil magicians trying to outdo and eventually kill each other?

J.C. BROMERO

What should win/what will win: How to Train Your Dragon

I know I'm on an island here, but I think it narrowly beats Toy Story 3.

BEST FOREIGN LANGUAGE FILM (3 points)

Nominees: Biutiful (Mexico); Dogtooth (Greece); In a Better World (Denmark); Incendies (Canada); Outside the Law (Algeria)

SPECIAL ED

What should win: Biutiful

What will win: In a Better World

I haven’t seen any of these films, but Biutiful director Alejandro Gonzalez Innaritu is such a fantastic and creative filmmaker. His 2003 film 21 Grams is one of my all-time favorites, and Babel and Amores Perros are pretty damn good movies too. But despite an apparent powerhouse performance from Javier Bardem, Innaritu’s movies are often way too melancholic and depressing to win an award like this, so I’ll go with the Danish film that won the Golden Globe. Apparently Dogtooth is about 3 dudes isolated on a country estate that could be on another planet…fuckin’ Greeks are weird, man.

THE HOFFBEAST

What should win: N/A

What will win: In a Better World

Sorry to say I haven’t seen any of the contenders. In a Better World won the Globe though, so it seems like a good pick to me.

COUSIN MIKE

What should win: The Algerian one

What will win: The Mexican film with the misspelled title

I think Anton Chigurh is in the Mexican film. Hopefully the Mexican film has absolutely nothing to do with the brutal drug wars in the country's northern expanses. I heard a story where some drug lords cut off some guy's head and threw it into the middle of a full dance floor. In other news, I AM NEVER GOING TO MEXICO, CHRIST!

J.C. BROMERO

What should win/what will win: Biutiful

I don't speak Spanish but I think the title is misspelled.

BEST CINEMATOGRAPHY (3 points)

Nominees: Black Swan; Inception; The King’s Speech; The Social Network; True Grit

SPECIAL ED

What should win/what will win: Inception

Was Inception not the most fun you had at the movies this year? Sure, you probably felt like you needed a lobotomy after it was over, but it was still pretty mind-blowing. I usually prefer naturally shot movies over ones that lean heavy on CGI, but none of the other four challengers here that were shot in a more natural setting really did anything for me here. Again, if 127 Hours is in the discussion I probably lean in that direction, but alas, it’s not. Bastards.

THE HOFFBEAST

What should win: The King's Speech

What will win: True Grit

It should be the King’s Speech! It looked fantastic and very representative of the new style of cinematography emerging among younger filmmakers. Look at those scenes in the Doctor’s office – the wonderfully textured walls, the colors on their skin – it’s remarkable. True Grit had a lot of tricky night shots that worked well and Coen Brothers though, so it will go home with the statue.

COUSIN MIKE

What should win/what will win: True Grit

How on earth was The King's Speech nominated in this category? Isn't the entire movie shot on a balcony and in an office? I guess they are the best parts of England. I personally believe that to win an award like this, you need to capture the expanses of nature at their finest. I'd have to imagine 2010's best Western did this in spades.

J.C. BROMERO

What should win: Black Swan

What will win: The King's Speech

I just see King's Speech being on such a roll that nothing stops it. Although I will say the jump cuts in Black Swan made the movie for me.

BEST EDITING (2 points)

Nominees: 127 Hours; Black Swan; The Fighter; The King’s Speech; The Social Network

SPECIAL ED

What should win/what will win: The Social Network

I imagine in such a script-heavy, dialogue-centric movie that Kirk Baxter and Angus Wall (the film’s editors) put in a lot of extra time at the office in hopes of getting the film just right. Considering that aspect of The Social Network was perfect, I truly do appreciate their efforts in a category I usually overlook.

THE HOFFBEAST

What should win: 127 Hours

What will win: The Social Network

I have an affinity for trippy editing so the second half of 127 Hours was really interesting to me. The first half, however, was a bit too music video for Oscar contention so I think The Social Network is going to take this bad boy home.

COUSIN MIKE

What should win: How should I know?

What will win: Black Swan

I guess the Black Swan editor will win since they had a tricky task of making Natalie Portman's bunhead devolve into psychosis in front of an audience both in the movie and in the actual theaters. Seriously, how should I know who should win this category?

J.C. BROMERO

What should win/what will win: The Social Network

The splitting of time in Social Network should help it take home this award.

BEST ART DIRECTION (2 points)

Nominees: Alice in Wonderland; Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 1; Inception; The King’s Speech; True Grit

SPECIAL ED

What should win: Inception

What will win: The King's Speech

Unfortunately, the artsy period piece movie beats the imaginative balls-to-the-wall mindfuck 10 times out of 10.

THE HOFFBEAST

What should win: The King's Speech

What will win: True Grit

I’m picking True Grit simply because it’s the only one where the art direction is something I have heard people talking about. I don’t see what the big deal was, though. It was kind of a bland western to me. The King’s Speech, however, did a great job of presenting an artsy period film that remains small and textured.

COUSIN MIKE

What should win/what will win: Inception

I still haven't seen this movie, and I'm blaming Special Ed here. He knows that I only watch movies 98% of the time if they are placed in front of me. Even stuff by people I'm an avid fan of (Wes Anderson and the Coens), I barely get around to seeing the films if I ever see them at all. (I still haven't seen Burn After Reading or A Serious Man.) Ed and I agreed that we were going to watch this in the theaters, then Ed fell into another dimension for some reason. I genuinely would like to see this movie. Can I borrow it from someone?

J.C. BROMERO

What should win: Toy Story 3 (not nominated)

What will win: Alice in Wonderland

What a fucking shit show that movie was. Special Ed you remember us seeing this in theaters, right? Either way this movie was all "artsy" and 3D and shit. And Tim Burton did it which makes it SOOOOOOOO revolutionary in sooooo many ways (hi, sarcasm, I'm Jason, nice to meet you).

BEST COSTUME DESIGN (2 points)

Nominees: Alice in Wonderland; I Am Love; The King’s Speech; The Tempest; True Grit

SPECIAL ED

What should win: Alice in Wonderland

What will win: The King's Speech

Anyone else noticing a theme here? In a 1920s/30s British royalty flick, do you think anything else really stands a shot? It’s funny too, because I felt that the costumes were kind of tame in The King’s Speech and that the Old West attire in True Grit was much more faithful to its respective time period. I didn’t particularly like Alice in Wonderland because I think Tim Burton is a wackjob, but the costumes in his movies are usually pretty badass.

THE HOFFBEAST

What should win/what will win: Alice in Wonderland

Alice in Wonderland’s only redeeming factor may be its costume design. And it’s perfect Academy bait because it’s both period AND fantasy.

COUSIN MIKE

What should win: True Grit

What will win: The King's Speech

Ok, so some pale looking dudes where costumes with a bunch of medals on them. Maybe Geoffrey Rush wears a bowler. HOW DOES THAT POTENTIALLY WIN THE HIGHEST HONOR IN ITS FIELD?! I remember from last year Hoffbeast or someone talking about how one category always goes to the period British piece. I assume it's this one, since I can't imagine anyone actually cares about this award that doesn't work as a costume designer.

J.C. BROMERO

What should win: None, these all suck

What will win: True Grit

All of these are terrible. Harry Potter should win shit like this. However, True Grit featured clothes that no one wears anymore, so I guess that wins. How the fuck is Alice in Wonderland up for this? It was in 3D animation for fuck's sake.

BEST MAKEUP (2 points)

Nominees: Barney’s Version; The Way Back; The Wolfman

SPECIAL ED

What should win: Barney’s Version or The Way Back, because they both sound awesome; one has Paul Giamatti as a drunken womanizer and the other has Ed Harris and Colin Farrell as escaped Siberian gulag members walking to India, probably to drink and do drugs.

What will win: The Wolfman, because it would just be hilarious if Chett’s least favorite movie of the year won an Oscar.

Explanations listed above.

THE HOFFBEAST

What should win/what will win: The Wolfman

The Wolfman straight up sucked a hairy asshole but come on, it’s Rick Baker.

COUSIN MIKE

What should win/what will win: The Wolfman

Completely feckless or not, turning Benicio del Toro into a cinematic Mexican Wolf Boy (link: http://www.google.com/images?hl=en&q=mexican+wolf+boy&um=1&ie=UTF-8&source=univ&sa=X&ei=8LVhTcWmAoragAf2-9WSAg&ved=0CEAQsAQ&biw=1280&bih=620) was a grand achievement. The makeup artists almost succeeded in making Anthony Hopkins look alive as well, almost.

J.C. BROMERO

What should win/what will win: The Wolfman

Didn't Chett hammer this movie? Well it's going to win an Oscar.

BEST ORIGINAL SCORE (4 points)

Nominees: A.R. Rahman, 127 Hours; John Powell, How to Train Your Dragon; Hans Zimmer, Inception; Alexandre Desplat, The King’s Speech; Trent Reznor & Atticus Ross, The Social Network

SPECIAL ED

What should win/what will win: The Social Network

I’ve decided that Best Original Score is the most underrated award given out come Oscar night, and it took me until this past year to figure that out. The music in The Social Network is so freakin’ good that it pretty much serves as one of the film’s central characters. Not only is it subtlely ubiquitous throughout the film, but it actually paces the story and evolves brilliantly just as the founding of Facebook does. I fuckin’ hate Trent Reznor and think Nine Inch Nails is one of the worst bands to ever exist, but him and some bad motherfucker named Atticus knocked it out of the park here. LOVE it.

THE HOFFBEAST

What should win/what will win: The Social Network

This is the most exciting category of the night by far! The only shame is that Daft Punk’s amazing score for TRON: Legacy isn’t in the mix. I think, if anything, we are living in an exciting era for the art of film score. Hans Zimmer is leading classical composers in a new direction of emotion and tone, and songwriters like Johnny Greenwood and Trent Reznor are entering the game with an equally emotional contribution of melody and attitude. Music for film is really separating itself as its own art form and I can’t wait to see what’s next. This is a close one, but I think that the The Social Network’s score was a bit more moving and effective than Inception.

COUSIN MIKE

What should win: The Social Network

What will win: The King's Speech

It would be one of the coolest things ever if Trent Reznor wins an Academy Award. I can't say I'm a huge fan of his music, but I do appreciate his innovative style in Nine Inch Nails and his consummate fan engagement, via Twitter and other means. In 25 years, Reznor could go from playing in Flock of Seagulls knockoffs, Cleveland's own "Exotic Birds" to esteemed Award winning film composer. (link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yJYBx5NJULY#t=1m00s). Modern technology HAS changed the way we all work and play, right Trent?!

J.C. BROMERO

What should win/what will win: The Social Network

Trent Reznor is great at making music. People have slept on him for whatever reason and I don't get it. Considering my favorite NIN album "Ghosts" is all instrumental, this comes as no shock. Amazing use of noise in the score. Glad he gets a chance to shine here. Daft Punk no love? For real?

BEST SONG (4 points)

Nominees: If I Rise (A.R. Rahman/Dido), 127 Hours; Coming Home (Tom Douglas/Hillary Lindsey/Troy Verges), Country Song; I See the Light (Alan Menken/Glenn Slater), Tangled; We Belong Together (Randy Newman), Toy Story 3

SPECIAL ED

What should win/what will win: Randy Newman, Toy Story 3

Randy Newman is the king of writing awesome songs for animated films. He won his only Oscar for Monsters Inc. in 2001, and to me he IS Toy Story. “You’ve Got a Friend in Me” from the original Toy Story is one of my favorite Oscar-nominated songs of all-time, and Newman left his own little imprint that deserves to be honored forever for this brilliant trilogy. The music in 127 Hours was pretty baller for sure, but if Dido wins an Oscar I might as well just give up at life. As for Country Song, I feel like that movie set back an already embattled musical genre; I didn’t see it, but I bet if I did it would be on my Top 10 list for worst of the year.

I'm rooting for Randy Newman big time, but I will give Seth MacFarlane his props for his Newman parody on Family Guy: (link: http://www.220.ro/desene-animate/Family-Guy-Randy-Newman/O4pfCdxLrx/)

THE HOFFBEAST

What should win: Randy Newman, Toy Story 3

What will win: Alan Menken & Glenn Slater, Tangled

I love Randy Newman and his song for Toy Story 3 was the only one that stuck out to me. The Academy, however, has always been famous for their old school values when it comes to this category (except the few instances where they pretended to grow by giving it to undeserving acts like Three 6 Mafia), so I think they will give this one to Tangled in hopes that it will encourage a comeback of animated musicals.

COUSIN MIKE

What will win/what should win: Randy Newman, Toy Story 3

I love the album Nilsson Sings Newman. I really wish I could get into Sail Away (link: http://static.rateyourmusic.com/album_images/eb25f77e18a59d24dd8202d7670b9ae5/13054.jpg) without thinking of "Short People" or "You Got a Friend in Me," or this: http://jamsidedown.com/images/2007/10/04/randy_newman4.jpg

J.C. BROMERO

What should win: Alan Menken & Glenn Slater, Tangled

What will win: A.R. Rahman & Dido, 127 Hours

I think a "traditional" Disney movie song should win this whenever it's up. Disney is just that good at this thing. But I think this is truly a year where the Academy tries to preach to the viewers, so 127 Hours probably takes it home.

BEST SOUND MIXING (2 points)

Nominees: Inception; The King’s Speech; Salt; The Social Network; True Grit

SPECIAL ED

What should win/what will win: Inception

Inception was loud as fuck, so whoever mixed up that sound probably deserves what’s coming their way. If Salt somehow wins an Oscar, I am going to walk the Earth like Jules at the end of Pulp Fiction. I’m not even kidding…I’m completely against shitty movies winning Oscars of any kind, even if the technical aspects of the film were sound. A bad movie is a bad movie period and should not be invited to the Oscars.

THE HOFFBEAST

What should win: The Social Network

What will win: Inception

This is a close one and really just boils down to personal preference. The Social Network’s sound didn’t stick out but that’s the mark of its quality; it was mixed perfectly. Inception had a LOT of stuff going on sonically and did a great job of impressing us with it. I wonder, however, how much it relied on the intricacies of Hans Zimmer’s score.

COUSIN MIKE

What should win: Inception

What will win: The King's Speech

Wait, Salt was nominated for an Oscar?

J.C. BROMERO

What should win: The Social Network

What will win: The King's Speech

Won't it make sense if King's Speech, a movie about radio, wins a sound mixing award? Social Network contained a lot of noise in its soundtrack that played very nicely into most of the scenes in the movie.

BEST SOUND EDITING (2 points)

Nominees: Inception; Toy Story 3; TRON: Legacy; True Grit; Taking the Train 2

SPECIAL ED

What should win: Taking the Train 2

What will win: Inception

After the initial Taking the Train film starring Denzel Washington and John Travolta last year was so bad, I was stunned to see Taking the Train 2 (featuring Denzel and some dude from Star Trek) get really solid reviews. As a result, I gave Taking the Train 2 a chance, making it 45 minutes in before I fell asleep; however, if not for the loud sounds that played whilst Denzel and Captain Kirk took the train, I probably would have zonked out much sooner.

THE HOFFBEAST

What should win: TRON: Legacy

What will win: Inception

I guess they gotta give Inception some love for the strong support the film has had. And these sound categories always go hand in hand. But I think when you look at the work done by the sound editors, TRON: Legacy was a bit more creative.

COUSIN MIKE

What should win: Inception

What will win: TRON: Legacy

I assumed Chris Pine was African American when this movie came out. I had never heard of him before in my life.

J.C. BROMERO

What should win/what will win: The King's Speech

See my "won't it make sense" comment from above.

BEST VISUAL EFFECTS (3 points)

Nominees: Alice in Wonderland; Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 1; Hereafter; Inception; Iron Man 2

SPECIAL ED

What should win/what will win: Inception

I feel like this is getting kind of redundant with Inception winning all the technical awards, but I also feel quite strongly that the stunning visual effects will easily beat those from two crappy movies (Alice in Wonderland & Iron Man 2) and two probable crappy movies I have no interest in ever seeing (Harry Potter & Hereafter).

THE HOFFBEAST

What should win: Harry Potter

What will win: Inception

Inception got a lot of praise for its visual effects this year and quite frankly I don’t get it. The CGI backgrounds to me didn’t hold up to Christopher Nolan’s usual standards. The fight scenes were neat but nothing compared to The Matrix which came out 11 years prior. None of these films actually achieved anything new or exciting. I may use this category as my bathroom break.

COUSIN MIKE

What should win: Iron Man 2

What will win: Inception

Tommy from 3rd Rock from the Sun runs around walls like a hamster runs on treadmills, that wins the Oscar, of my heart. Hey, Christopher Nolan, use French Stewart for your Batman franchise! I want to know if he is really squinty eyed or if that was an act. The only other thing I ever remember seeing French Stewart in was Stargate as some random soldier, but he spent the entire movie being harassed by future past HGH-bred Egyptians with short-range flying crafts in the desert, between the sun and the sand. He was squinting in that movie too. Have French Stewart play the villain Calendar Man in the next movie, please! (Link: http://media.photobucket.com/image/calendar%20man/mengblom/badguys/08_calculator.jpg )

J.C. BROMERO

What should win/what will win: Alice in Wonderland

If a 3D movie doesn't win this kind of shit, then guess what: there shouldn't be 3D movies. Just a thought.

BEST DOCUMENTARY FEATURE (3 points)

Nominees: Exit Through the Gift Shop; GasLand; Inside Job; Restrepo; Waste Land

SPECIAL ED

What should win/what will win: Exit Through the Gift Shop

I am pretty sure I saw my three favorite documentaries ever over the course of the past calendar year, and while Catfish and Under Great White Northern Lights were both superb, the film about Banksy and the underground world of street art absolutely takes the cake. Some of the most riveting shit I’ve ever seen, and I hope to hell the Academy has to squirm through the anonymous Banksy accepting his award in some sort of monkey mask, or something. Honorable mention to GasLand…HOW THE HELL DO THEY KNOW I GOT GAS?!

THE HOFFBEAST

What should win/what will win: Exit Through the Gift Shop

This is an easy one in my book – it was my favorite film of the year, by far. I have watched it many times and can’t get enough. In more ways than one, it’s celebrating and pushing art, which is exactly what the Academy claims it is trying to do. Shoe-in.

COUSIN MIKE

What should win/what will win: Exit Through the Gift Shop

After the glowing write ups Special Ed and The Hoffbeast wrote, I legitimately tried to watch this in December with my girlfriend on Netflix On Demand. She vetoed at the time, saying that she thought it looked "scary." I think I reacted to that by just kind of staring at my open hands in front of me.

J.C. BROMERO

What should win/what will win: Exit Through the Gift Shop

Just so Bansky can know he punked everyone.

BEST DOCUMENTARY, SHORT SUBJECT (1 point)

Nominees: Killing in the Name; Poster Girl; Strangers No More; Sun Come Up; The Warriors of Qiugang

SPECIAL ED

What should win: Killing in the Name

What will win: The Warriors of Qiugang

Killing in the Name should win because it’s the name of a great “I want to get jacked up and slam my head into a concrete slab” song by Rage Against the Machine. The Warriors of Quigang will win because it sounds Chinese and those crazy fuckers are both smart and ruthless. The Academy’s decision to give any other documentary short an Oscar will result in The Warriors of Quigang descending from the Kodak Theatre rafters to massacre every Hollywood asshole in the room. If this happens, can you guys take care of Michael Bay and Nicolas Cage for me? Thanks.

THE HOFFBEAST

What should win: N/A

What will win: Strangers No More

Unfortunately, I haven’t seen any of these. A lot of people seem to like Strangers No More, though, so it sounds good to me!

COUSIN MIKE

What should win: Resurrect Dead (not nominated)

What will win: The Warriors of Quigang

http://sundance.bside.com/2011/films/resurrectdeadthemysteryofthetoynbeetiles_sundance2011

Resurrect Dead tells the story of a small band of dedicated filmmakers on the trail of a unique aspect of urban folklore found all over North and South America. I find the subject fascinating, and even more intriguing because the filmmakers consider themselves Philadelphians. Resurrect Dead won a prize for best director at the Sundance Film Festival. It doesn't need your stinking Oscars.

J.C. BROMERO

What should win/what will win: Strangers No More

Reminds me of Perfect Strangers.

BEST ANIMATED SHORT FILM (1 point)

Nominees: Day & Night; The Gruffalo; Let’s Pollute; The Lost Thing; Madagascar, a Journey Diary

SPECIAL ED

What should win: The Gruffalo

What will win: Madagascar

The Gruffalo sounds like a nickname for Mark Ruffalo’s penis, which is enough for me to pull for this film on Oscar night. However, Madagascar sounds like that animated film from a few years ago where Ben Stiller played a lion or something, so my guess is it will probably win.

THE HOFFBEAST

What should win/what will win: Day & Night

I recently went to a screening of all the nominated short animated films and not only was Day & Night the best, it was the only one worth recommending. The rest were pretty slow and boring even when based on a fun premise (Let’s Pollute, The Gruffalo). The two bonus shorts attached to the presentation,Urs and The Cow Who Wanted to be a Hamburger, were fantastic and should have been nominated. Pixar’s entry, like everything they do, was funny, touching, and creative. The only thing that might prevent it from taking the trophy is the amount of trophies they already have.

COUSIN MIKE

What should win: The Gruffalo

What will win: Madagascar

How did the Ben Stiller animated movie get nominated all these years later?

J.C. BROMERO

What should win/what will win: Day & Night

Pixar, doing a 2D/3D mashup, hell fucking yes. The best short they've shown before a Pixar movie ever.

BEST LIVE ACTION SHORT FILM (1 point)

Nominees: The Confession; The Crush; God of Love; Na Wewe; Wish 143

SPECIAL ED

What should win: Na Wewe

What will win: Wish 143

Na Wewe should win for so many reasons, all of which involve its title. Leonardo DiCaprio’s never won an Oscar, but a film called Wee Wee might get one on Sunday night? Sounds a little fishy to me. I’m not sure what wishes 1-142 were, but I imagine if I had that many wishes I’d hope for things like unlimited supply of beer, Vin Diesel and Jay Leno to be killed by terrorists, have Andy Roddick eliminated so I can marry Brooklyn Decker, a Wawa built in my house, to party with Charlie Sheen for an entire weekend and to steal all of Michael Bay’s money; however, I imagine in this case the people involved here would like their 143^rd wish to win an Oscar, so good luck to them…just don’t expect me to root for them. Viva la WEE WEE!

THE HOFFBEAST

What should win: N/A

What will win: Na Wewe

I haven’t seen any of these but the subject matter seems like a good mix of emotion and politics; perfect for the Academy. I’m also looking forward to learning how to pronounce it.

COUSIN MIKE

What should win: Wish 143

What will win: Me for picking a perfect Oscar pool

And that's two years in a row. Make me a sandwich!

J.C. BROMERO

What should win/what will win: Wish 143

Because it's exactly how many times I wished that the Oscar just stuck to major awards.

Follow along with your own pool here!

Youtube Video of the Month

2011-02-16T12:00:00.001-05:00

Has it been a while since your socks have been knocked off by a musical performance?
Do yourself a favor: check out Youtuber, Lea Cappelli's cover of "Sugar in My Bowl" and fall in love.

5 Things I'm Into This Week (Vol. 2)

2011-01-26T13:06:00.005-05:00

Alright sports fans, so last week's 5 Things I'm Into This Week proved to be a pretty big hit around these parts, both with the viewers and my fellow co-blogers. So I'm back and this week I'm bringing the noise, the pain, the thunder, you name it. Without further ado, let's jump head first into:

1. Angry Birds

(...I never thought I'd stoop this low)

Those of you with Blackberrys (cough cough Special Ed cough cough) don't get to enjoy this highly addictive touchscreen game. In it you play as birds, you're angry and you fling yourself at various structures in which your sworn natural enemies, the Pigs, are hiding out. The object is to destroy all the Pigs on a given level. I kid you not this is the premise of the most popular game in America. Oh the joys of modern technology.

Before you know it you've wasted an hour or more trying to get past a complex level. If you can't beat it, you head to Youtube to find the solution, as Angry Bird "experts" on are putting up "How To" videos. What is going on here? When I was a kid and you couldn't get past a level there were only a few options:

Call a friend and have him come over to do it for you - this was for the social/cool kids, not kids like us here at BCP
Call up the 1-800 number on the back of the game and ask for advice, and for the low, low, price of 10.99 an hour, minimum of three hours, an operator could walk you through it step by step - if I did this Poppa Bromero probably would've killed me
Game Genie - rest assured this was the easy way out, I loathed kids with Game Genies. You're a cheater if you own one.

The point here is that when I was younger, I didn't have people willing to help me on Youtube. Mind you, this isn't for a platform game it's for ANGRY BIRDS on your I-Pad/Pod/Phone or your Droid. Rest assured it is the most addicting game you'll play in sometime, for you Blackberry owners I'm laughing at you for not having this. RIM is dead.

2. Brooklyn Decker

(this might not be safe for work...oops.)

I might be late to this party, but honestly she has just skyrocketed past Blake Lively as runner up on my Top Ten Celebrity Crush List. She still sits at No. 2 behind Carrie Underwood, but I have a feeling that will change and change soon. Mrs. Andy Roddick's stock is set to explode through the roof, as her new film Just Go With It starring Adam Sandler and Jennifer Aniston opens soon. Luckily for us, it appears that Brooklyn wears very little clothing in the movie.

Listen, if this movie was being released from 1998 to 2002 I would be the first person in line to see it. Fact of the matter is that Adam Sandler hasn't made a good movie in years and Jennifer Aniston is still trying to recover from John Mayer, who will later appear in this article. However, Brooklyn emerging the ocean, covered in water and being oogled by Nick Swardson (Grandma's Boy, Nick Swardson's Pretend Time) just might be enough to get me to go see it. Her getting naked wouldn't hurt, either, but I won't get greedy.

Just look at her! It's not just all about...you know...the perfect natural boobs. Her eyes are amazing, she's graced the cover of the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition and I just read an interview with her in Esquire that made me want to sweep her off her feet and take her to live in Vienna or something like that.

3. Comedy Night Done Right

(Thursday night...ALL NIGHT!)

All these lovely ladies represent the funniest TV night in my memory. I'm speaking, of course, of the NBC Thursday Night line up. You've got, from left to right: 30 Rock's Liz Lemon (Tina Fey), Parks and Recreation's Leslie Knope (Amy Poehler), The Office's Pam (Jenna Fischer) and Community's Shirley (Yvette Nicole Brown). When you throw in Outsourced (terrible, don't watch it) and Perfect Couples (please give the gorgeous Olivia Munn a chance!) and you've got the new NBC Comedy Night Done Right...all three hours of it!

Community continues to be the most impressive show on television that people don't watch. Turbo touched upon the show briefly with his TV post a while back, but failed to do this hysterical show justice. Joel McHale from E!'s The Soup, Donald Glover (former writer for 30 Rock), Chevy Chase (you may have heard of him) and of course the boobtastic Alison Brie (from AMC's Mad Men) headline this half hour comedy about a group of misfits that form a study group at a California community college. You'd think the novelty would wear off and things would get stale, but you'd be wrong. The show's writers mix meta-humor and pop culture to make sure that the gang's antics (the paintball episode is an all-time great) never get old.

The ubiquitous 30 Rock doesn't need a write up, as it constantly impresses, constantly makes people laugh and constantly cleans up at the Emmys and Golden Globes. It contains enough one liners to keep you abuzz at the water cooler all day. Alec Baldwin, Tracy Morgan, Tina Fey and a shit ton of others make this one of the best casted shows on TV. High-profile guest stars (Matt Damon, Julianne Moore and Elizabeth Banks were some recent A-listers to stop by Rockefeller Center) constantly come and go.

The Office is in what should be it's next to last season and Steve Carell has announced that Michael Scott will not be back next year. It's sort of like knowing the school year is rapidly coming to an end and everyone is going home for Summer Break or graduating. With an epic era coming to a close, you've got to squeeze in as much time with your friends as possible before it's all over. In this instance, Carell is your 10 closest buddies and you know it just won't ever be the same once things come to an end. Keep watching, I have a feeling this one will be worth it.

And last but certainly not least, there's Parks and Rec. This show is anchored by Amy Poehler's Leslie Knope, a high-strung civil servant for a small fictional Indiana town's Parks Department. Another show you think would soon run its course, it's actually gotten better over time thanks to the cast, writers and the Office-esque mockumentary style that it's shot in help make this one of my favorite shows. Aubrey Plaza and Aziz Ansari, whom the Hoffbeast hates, also help make this show go. The former is gorgeous and I love her, the latter is hysterical and often steals scenes. Rob Lowe and Adam Scott (Will Ferrell's asshole brother in Step Brothers) have also signed on for Season 3 to help augment what is an already strong ensemble cast.

4. John Mayer

(the women slayer with Jessica Simpson, one of his many victims)

So there is a running joke between a nameless friend and I that John Mayer has panties hung up as trophies in his apartment/tour bus/house. This probably isn't that far from the truth, but that's not the reason he falls on this week's list. Nope, it's actually....wait for it......HIS MUSIC!!!

I know that some of you need to be brought back to life after that announcement but it's true. The man can sing, write great songs and play a mean guitar. I'm not talking about Room For Squares but rather his newest CD, Battle Studies. It's probably one of my favorite albums of the past five years or so. Perfect late night listening music. It isn't him running through the halls of his high school; rather, it feels as if Mayer has matured and is writing about his failed relationships. Songs like "Who Says" and "Perfectly Lonely" channel a rainy night type of vibe, where you're just content to be alone. Other songs like "Assassin" and "Half of My Heart" tell the story of a man who doesn't know where to go in life because his heart has been trampled on one too many times.

Look, I'm not siding with Mayer, I think he's King Douche. But his music is good, and as a musician, that's really all that should matter. He's gotten more girls then any man alive should've had, including Taylor Swift, Jennifer Aniston, Jessica Simpson (sexual napalm), Minka Kelly, Jennifer Love Hewitt and probably many, many more. He's an inspiration...almost.

5. The Big Bang Theory

(the most lovable geeks on TV... and Kaley Cuoco)

The Big Bang Theory is in its fourth season and I've slept on it for so long. Not anymore. Here I sit having flown through the first two seasons in a week or so and I have to say that it's truly one of the best shows on TV. Not better than Community (which currently airs in the same time slot as BBT on NBC), but it's still amazing.

Jim Parsons, who plays Sheldon, the lovable but sometimes annoying control freak of the bunch, is the real stand out. He just won himself a Golden Globe, which will look nice on the mantle next to his Emmy. Kaley Cuoco is delicious as Penny, Sheldon and Leonard's neighbor

The story in Big Bang Theory centers around Leonard's relentless pursuit of Penny, while his friends Raj, Harold, and Sheldon all mock him. The show bounces around from story to story and teases Penny's interest in Leonard (at least in the early seasons where I currently am)/ It's the geek references that work the best in this show, from World of Warcraft addiction to Killer Robots, it's an addictive show about geeks made for the geek inside all of us.

2011 Oscar Nominations List

2011-01-25T12:14:00.000-05:00

Ladies and Gentlemen, it’s officially Oscar Season. This morning they announced the nominees. Check ‘em out and let us know what you think.

Overall, I thought this was a pretty predictable list. The only surprises for me were the amount of nominations for "True Grit" and the lack of nominations for Andrew Garfield and Christopher Nolan.

Best Picture

* Black Swan

* The Fighter

* Inception

* The Kids Are All Right

* The King's Speech

* 127 Hours

* The Social Network

* Toy Story 3

* True Grit

* Winter's Bone

Directing

* Black Swan, Darren Aronofsky

* The Fighter, David. O. Russell

* The King's Speech, Tom Hooper

* The Social Network, David Fincher

* True Grit, Joel Coen and Ethan Coen

Actor in a Leading Role

* Javier Bardem, Biutiful

* Jeff Bridges, True Grit

* Jesse Eisenberg, The Social Network

* Colin Firth, The King's Speech

* James Franco, 127 Hours

Actress in Leading Role

* Annette Bening, The Kids Are All Right

* Nicole Kidman, Rabbit Hole

* Jennifer Lawrence, Winter's Bone

* Natalie Portman, Black Swan

* Michelle Williams, Blue Valentine

Actor in a Supporting Role

* Christian Bale, The Fighter

* John Hawkes, Winter's Bone

* Jeremy Renner, The Town

* Mark Ruffalo, The Kids Are All Right

* Geoffrey Rush, The King's Speech

Actress in a Supporting Role

* Amy Adams, The Fighter

* Helena Bonham Carter, The King's Speech

* Melissa Leo, The Fighter

* Hailee Steinfeld, True Grit

* Jacki Weaver, Animal Kingdom

Animated Feature Film

* How to Train Your Dragon

* The Illusionist

* Toy Story 3

Art Direction

* Alice In Wonderland

* Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1

* Inception

* The King's Speech

* True Grit

Cinematography

* Black Swan

* Inception

* The King's Speech

* The Social Network

* True Grit

Costume Design

* Alice in Wonderland

* I Am Love

* The King's Speech

* The Tempest

* True Grit

Documentary (Feature)

* Exit Through the Gift Shop

* Gasland

* Inside Job

* Restrepo

* Waste Land

Documentary (Short Subject)

* Killing in the Name

* Poster Girl

* Strangers No More

* Sun Come Up

* The Warriors of Qiugang

Film Editing

* Black Swan

* The Fighter

* The King's Speech

* 127 Hours

* The Social Network

Foreign Language Film

* Biutiful, Mexico

* Dogtooth, Greece

* In A Better World, Denmark

* Incendies, Canada

* Outside the Law (Hors-la-loi), Algeria

Makeup

* Barney's Version

* The Way Back

* The Wolfman

Music (Original Score)

* How to Train Your Dragon

* Inception

* The King's Speech

* 127 Hours

* The Social Network

Music (Original Song)

* Coming Home from Country Strong

* I See the Light from Tangled

* If I Rise from 127 Hours

* We Belong Together from Toy Story 3

Short Film (Animated)

* Day & Night

* The Gruffalo

* Let's Pollute

* The Lost Thing

* Madagascar, carnet de voyage

Short Film (Live Action)

* The Confession

* The Crush

* God of Love

* Na Wewe

* Wish 143

Sound Editing

* Inception

* Toy Story 3

* Tron: Legacy

* True Grit

* Unstoppable

Sound Mixing

o Inception

o The King's Speech

o Salt

o The Social Network

o True Grit

Visual Effects

* Alice In Wonderland

* Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1

* Hereafter

* Inception

* Iron Man 2

Writing (Adapted Screenplay)

o 127 Hours

o The Social Network

o Toy Story 3

o True Grit

o Winter's Bone

Writing (Original Screenplay)

* Another Year

* The Fighter

* Inception

* The Kids Are All Right

* The King's Speech

What did you think? Who was snubbed? Who didn't deserve it?

Be sure to check back here at Beer and Cleaning Products for a unique Oscar season build up that includes our Snubbed Oscar Awards polls, Inception: Point/Counterpoint, and our picks for winners.

My Plan for a Better Tomorrow: King of America

2011-01-20T17:35:00.001-05:00

Boom! Wake up, America. You’ve just decided to appoint the Hoffbeast as the first ever King of America. And buckle up because “King” is just a fun title, I’m a dictator baby and I’ve got a plan that is going to shake up your whole world.

My ideas may seem crazy at first, but I think if you used your imagination you could see how I should, indeed, be named King of America.

First thing’s first: nobody can have more than $20 Milllion. I’m straight up putting a cap on it. Sure, you can make more than that, but you aren’t allowed to keep any more than $20 Million at any time. If you keep making more, you keep filling back up to the cap.

This really shouldn’t be an issue for anyone. Think about all you can do with $20 million. Now think about all you can do with $40 million. Is there any difference? Letting some people have that much money is absurd. No need for people THAT much richer than everyone. It just sits in a bank doing nothing but preventing others from having it. It’s counterproductive to the advancement of the human race. To tell you the truth, I think $20 Million is pretty conservative. If you disagree, I’ve got news for you: you’re probably never going to have that much money. There is no need to fight for rich people simply because you want to become one.

So where does all that money go? NASA baby!

Think about it! With all that money going to NASA, we’ll further the exploration of Space and finally start colonizing the Moon and Mars. Not only does this mean awesome and more awesome, but it also creates jobs! Anybody who is unemployed automatically gets a job working on the space stations and new Mars colonies.

Worried about Prisoners taking up too much space and wasting tax dollars? Now they’re the guinea pigs of our NASA space towns. Boom! They’re the first to live on the bubbled atmospheres as we try to tweak them to human hospitable environments. Who knows, maybe the sense of honor they’ll gain from being such an integral part of human advancement will turn their lives around. If they survive, that is.

What’s next? Immigration? Is that a concern to you? Well I just took over Mexico, how ya like them tamales? That’s right, as I’ve stated before, I’m a big fan of Mexican people and their culture. It’s not fair that we give them such a shitty deal by making the ones that love America criminals. Now they’re all Americans and all welcome to partake in our NASA program.

But wait, there’s more.

Some people think that America should use its power for the good of other countries too. I agree to an extent: as long as it also benefits us. Are you familiar with the continent of Africa? Riddled with famine and poverty. When I’m King, we will also take over the Africa and give it as a gift to the Walt Disney Corporation. Then, we’ll encourage them to build Hotels and theme parks all across the continent to boost Tourism. Who doesn’t want to see Lions and Elephants killing and raping in the wild? The African people will love it because Tourism and Hotels equals jobs and food. Done.

Now that the big problems are sorted out, I’d like to address some little things that will put us back on top.

Soda : It will now only be called “Pop” to avoid confusion, it will be banned from all schools, it will only have Cane Sugar (not corn syrup), and we will tax the shit out of it. The goal is to bring its consumption to a bare minimum and to treat it as a dessert, not as a fixture of meals and snack time.

Guns: gone. There is no reason for anybody to own a gun anymore. Cops won’t need them because criminals won’t have them. The Military is basically a computer game now anyway, we simply eliminate the need for ground troops. Besides, our new NASA system has powerful Laser guns ready to annihilate any other country that messes with us (between you and me, though, this is just a bluff!) Anybody who willingly donates their guns will receive a free sword in any style they choose. Anybody who doesn’t will be shot in the foot with their own guns.

Laser: Laser will now be spelled with a z: Lazer. This is obvious. S is an asshole for taking Z’s clearly deserved position. In fact, all spelling will be put through a workshop and changed. Be ready to see a lot more Z’s, a lot fewer X’s, and no more silent P’s.

24 Hour News Networks: completely banned. They all must choose between becoming either a “Three Stooges” Marathon Channel or a “Pawn Stars” Marathon Channel. There is no need to endlessly debate every political issue simply to drive up ratings. They are the reason we’re out of our minds. Not anymore.

This is actually a picture of my fish, Gil. He's very handsome.

Goldfish: everyone should have a pet goldfish. This won’t be a law but it will be encouraged. They’re fun, easy to take care of, and are really good listeners.

Parent License: Everybody now has to apply for a license to have children. It’s crazy to me that we live in a country that won’t let us fish without a license but will let morons have as many children as they’d like. There will be a literacy test, psychological evaluation, and a down payment to prove that you have the funds to provide the child a decent life. You must also submit the child’s name for approval to avoid Celebrity ‘look how much I can ruin my kids life right of the bat” competitions.

Basketball: anybody who knowingly shoots a basket AFTER the ref blows the whistle, in an attempt to “look cool” or “get in a little practice shot” will be banned from the sport at any level. You won’t even be allowed to play in your driveway.

7’s: we will all agree not to cross our 7’s. That’s ridiculous.

Religion: This is a big one. We will still have freedom of religion but they will no longer be exempt from taxes if they include any bigoted undertones. Any Church, Synagogue, Mosque or any other worshiping center that promotes homophobia, racism, human hatred, or violence will have to pay taxes like any other business. Sexism is fine. Also, they all will be forced to watch comedies that poke fun at them in order to teach the nutty ones how to take a joke.

Which leads me to my final demand: more laughs. People will be required to either go to a comedy show or watch an hour’s worth of comedic television a day to lighten up. It will also be encouraged to have more sex. These things are good for the soul. If we’re miserable people, we’re a miserable country. And that’s where I come in.

You’re welcome, America. When do I start?

Five Things I'm Into This Week

2011-01-16T12:34:00.005-05:00

So looks like the crew here at Beer and Cleaning Products has fallen into a trend. The trend is lists, as Special Ed said in the Best of 2010 post, they are SO in right now! You have Special Ed's 10 Things I Hate That You All Love, and then the Hoffbeast's 11 Things I Love That You All Hate follow-up. Now it's time to throw my hat into the ring with this post with J.C. Bromero's Top Five Things I'm Into This Week.

1. Pop Music

(...'cause Pop goes my heart.)

I love shitty pop music. Taylor Swift, I downloaded her new album. Katy Perry, I downloaded that shit too. Hell, the first concert I ever saw was Hanson. I even lost my glasses once at an NSYNC concert, crowd got pretty out of control there. Yeah seems "gay" doesn't it? Well fuck you.

I rediscovered some old favorites this week, and even heard some newer songs I took a liking to. The list includes but is not limited to: "Falling" and "If I Can't Have You" by Alicia Keys (former potential employer of Special Ed), "Just the Way You Are," "Marry You," and "Grenade" by Bruno Mars, and "Raise Your Glass" by Pink. For the new ones I found myself instantly taken by them. For the two older songs I realized that the marketing team behind Alicia Keys was really good at their jobs.

I mean look at her. They took a black girl, sat her behind a piano, played up her light skin features and made her a star. Sound familiar, Beyonce? Huh, huh, huh? Well maybe not the piano part but still. Alicia Keys was HUGE, HUGE, HUGE, then she decided to try to become an actress and well her whole career went to shit. Doesn't mean I can't still like her music though, right? RIGHT!?

Either way, pop music is the tits.

2. Black Swan

(Black Swan...what a mindfuck)

I saw this mindfuck of a movie last Friday night with some friends of this blog and I'm still trying to understand what happens, still trying to make sense of it all. The movie centers around Natalie Portman and her journey as Nina, an over-stressed dancer in a New York ballet company. I know, I know, sounds super lame, but you know what? It's really good.

I don't want to ruin anything for those who haven't seen it yet, but just know that Darren Aronofsky (Requiem for a Dream, The Wrestler) is directing and makes sure you're on the edge of your seat for the entirty of the film. I was being pulled in so many different directions, as Aronofsky plays with conventional thriller/horror concepts, However, it's his portrayal of both Nina, and rival ballerina, Lily (That 70's Show super hottie, Mila Kunis) that is the main point of the story line. Oh, and did I mention that the two of them have a lesbian scene?! I'm sure you could judge that from the image above, and that scene alone is worth the price of admission.

Listen folks, Natalie Portman is going to win Best Actress for this film. I believe that to be a fact, and we all know this blog LOVES the Oscars. I personally think that it has a chance to win Best Picture as well, but that's neither here or there. Either way, do yourself a favor and go see this movie.

3. Leggings

(Excuse my drool.)

I love knowing that our society has gotten so slutty that it's become totally acceptable to wear mere inches of tight, black, sometimes see through fabric to cover up your ass. It's a great American advancement. As someone who works in a mall, I see my fair share of this. It's amazing. However, I do not appreciate it when people who shouldn't wear leggings are wearing them, such as heavyset, overweight women. Please keep that covered up...it's great that you're comfortable in your own skin but that doesn't make my lunch comfortable in my stomach when I see that. So keep it hidden, please? We're begging you.

Meanwhile, for all you attractive ladies, especially the three I saw in the Pretzel Factory this morning, continue to do what you're doing. Rock that North Face pullover, rock those Uggs and keep rocking those leggings. This is just like pop music in the fact that the legging trend isn't going anywhere. Thank you, God!

4. Jersey Shore - Season Three

(Snooki getting arrested...this season on America's Trainwreck!)

America the Trainwreck is back and better then ever! Just when I thought this show has run its course (Season 2 in Miami was brutally unwatchable), Jersey Shore comes back with a vengeance. Listen, this show isn't edge-of-your-seat TV. It isn't a thinking man's show, but I get enough of that with a lot of other TV I watch, so I need some mindless crap to cancel that out. Jersey Shore is that crap, and wonderful crap at that.

This year Snooki has taken it upon herself to provide longtime friend and "Blast in a Glass" Deena as a new roommate to replace boring old Angelina. So far this decision has proven to be awesome, as Deena is up for "Rookie of the Year" according to The Situation and viewers alike.

Being back at the Shore for this cast is a homecoming. Although it looks like this season could get hairy (early physical and verbal altercations between J-Woww and Sammi, Snooki getting arrested, Deena showing her vag to The Situation in the first episode and Sammi apologizing to Snooki for all the shit that went down in Miami (later this season), the struggle is to still remain a family, even though according to Ronnie, "everyone's getting tired of the family shit."

5. Rock Mafia's video for "Big Bang" featuring Miley Cryus

(Anytime she wants Miley can be part of my BIG bang.)

I might be late to the party with this video and you might have already seen it already. I could care less. It features a really good song, and my girl Miley doing her thing, which is being dead sexy. She's 18 now so guess what, no more Chris Hanson coming to my house and telling me to take a seat and no more annoying comments from people about how I'm a crepper and a wannabe child rapist. She's legal, so back off my shit.

The video features car crashes, make out scenes and most importantly, Miley in a bikini. Come on, how is this not a knock out home run of a video? Watch it and try not to jam out to the song. As always, I'll be thinking dirty thoughts about Miley...not like that's a surprise to anyone.

And Then There Were 8: An NFL Divisional Playoff Preview

2011-01-14T21:25:00.002-05:00

(The bye weeks are done: it's business time for Tom Brady & Matt Ryan)

After a dismal Saturday that saw Special Ed stumble to an 0-2 start in playoff pick 'em, I was debating whether or not to even write another prediction post. Nobody wants to listen to a shitbird who gets everything wrong and really has no idea what he or she is talking about...that's why we have Merrill Hoge, right? Thankfully, I had a nice rebound day on Sunday with wins from the Ravens and Packers. After the games were finished, I kind of frowned at my 2-2 mark; that is, until I realized hardly anybody did better than that because hardly anybody picked the Jets or Seahawks to win. I'm not on an island after all, and thus it is now my mission to use this possible rejuvenation to propel myself into a perfect 4-0 Divisional Round. I was really only excited for the Eagles game last weekend, but this time around I'm genuinely looking forward to all four upcoming games, at least in some capacity. Which young stud quarterback, Rodgers or Ryan, will lead his team to the NFC title game? Can the suddenly confident Seahawks pull off another stunner with a win in Chicago? Will the Jets (and their loudmouth fans) get their comeuppance again at New England? And which bitter AFC North rival will fight to play for a shot at the Super Bowl, Baltimore or Pittsburgh? The answers lie ahead.......well, even if they don't, I'll probably just end up making fun of a bunch of ass clowns, so we all win either way!

SATURDAY, JANUARY 15

Baltimore Ravens (13-4) at Pittsburgh Steelers (12-4), 4:30 EST
TV: CBS
Line: Steelers -3

While we started Wild Card Weekend with a shitty game that was only good because New Orleans forgot to show up, Divisional play begins with what I think is the best game of the entire weekend. Seriously, when's the last time these two teams met and didn't play an amazing, down-to-the-wire game? Not only are the games always close between the hated rivals, but they make it a point to knock the shit out of each other on every single play. Both Pittsburgh and Baltimore both feature defenses loaded with ball-hawking, headhunting thugs that just want to all murder the shit out of whoever is holding the football (this goes double for Ray Lewis), and this almost always results in a wildly intense, entertaining matchup. This is not a game where offensive statistics will likely be at a premium, so my guess is the team that wins will be the one that makes one less critical mistake than the one that loses. It's hard to go against Roethlisberger and the Steelers at home in a big game, but if anyone's poised to knock them off, it's Baltimore. The Ravens won in Pittsburgh in Week 4 and should have won in Baltimore if not for Troy Polamalu doing his Troy Polamalu impression. I really just think the Ravens are a better team...I thought it at the beginning of the season and still do, even if Pittsburgh did win the division on a tiebreaker. Joe Flacco has more weapons than ever to throw to, which should help considering running back Ray Rice had two lousy games against the Steelers this year. I expect this one to go down to the end, as always, in a heavyweight defensive battle (the scores this season were 17-14 and 13-10, respectively). It's a coin flip, but I'm going with Baltimore.

THE PICK: RAVENS 21, STEELERS 17

Green Bay Packers (11-6) at Atlanta Falcons (13-3), 8 p.m. EST
TV: Fox
Line: Falcons -3

If the Ravens-Steelers game holds my title for weekend's best matchup, then the Packers-Falcons contest will be awarded with the hardest to pick honor. Seriously, how can you decide? Each team features a terrific young quarterback in Green Bay's Aaron Rodgers and Atlanta's Matt Ryan, and they both have plenty of targets to throw to. Atlanta features a better rushing attack with Michael Turner, but Green Bay has one of the league's best defenses, so you have to think they're up to the challenge especially after winning last weekend in Philadelphia. Atlanta beat Green Bay at the Georgia Dome in Week 12 in a wild game that saw the Packers tie the game with 56 seconds left and fully expecting overtime before Ryan somehow guided the Falcons into position for a game-winning 47-yard-field goal as time expired. I've teetered back and forth all week when it comes to this game, and I guess I'll back Ryan as the quarterback that hardly ever loses at home. Plus, how cool would it be for me to see a guy I went to high school with (Ryan) win a Super Bowl after seeing two dudes I went to college with win back-to-back rings (New Orleans' Marques Colston last year and Pittsburgh's Willie Colon)? I wouldn't be surprised if Green Bay pulled it off after they decimated the Eagles, but when it doubt take the home favorite...they're home at this point for a reason.

THE PICK: FALCONS 31, PACKERS 26

SUNDAY, JANUARY 16

Seattle Seahawks (8-9) at Chicago Bears (11-5), 1 p.m. EST
TV: Fox
Line: Bears -10

On the surface this is probably the least exciting playoff game in a long time. Seattle is a joke and doesn't deserve to be here, and the Bears had a pretty underwhelming season for a team that somehow managed to secure a first-round playoff bye. Still, it's always somewhat intriguing watching two teams you never in a million years expected to be playing in this game, even if they are two uninteresting crap teams. Like everyone else in the world, I expected New Orleans to slaughter Seattle last week. I mean, please forgive me for picking the defending Super Bowl Champions over a team with a losing record...I for one thought reigning champions actually carried some weight. I guess it didn't for these Saints, who just rolled over and died immediately following an impressive late-season run that re-established themselves as legit title contenders after a so-so start to the season. It was truly shocking to say the least, as we all expect more from Drew Brees at this point in his career. Losing to a bad team with a banged-up, over-the-hill quarterback with the season on the line is inexcusable, and that's what happened to Brees and company last weekend. If I were a Saints fan I'd be embarrassed, unless I was a Saints fan living in New Orleans, in which case I'd be drunk as sin trying to forget about my team's failure to show up in the biggest game of the season. Long story short, Seattle isn't supposed to be here, but they are, so color me at least partially intrigued by the possibility of them advancing to the next round. That said, I really don't see it happening. Nothing has changed since last week--I still don't think there's anything remotely good about the Seahawks, who only won because the Saints mailed it in. I'm not crazy about Chicago, either; in fact, Jay Cutler is probably the only quarterback I trust less than Mark Sanchez in a big game. You never do know when Cutler is going to throw three of his patented interceptions right into the gut of the opposing defensive backs, so it's difficult to feel any semblance of confidence in a team led by this person. But like Baltimore and Pittsburgh, Chicago will win with defense, and I'm going to go out on a limb and say the Bears' defensive unit is just a tad better than the one that allowed 41 points to Seattle last week. It's not going to happen again, as Brian Urlacher and his cronies will make life miserable for Matt Hasselbeck all day long. I'd like to to see Seattle win, but I'd also like to see a beautiful blonde with big tits and an ass that tastes like French vanilla ice cream wander naked into my bedroom right now...too bad neither one is gonna happen.

THE PICK: BEARS 24, SEAHAWKS 6

New York Jets (12-5) at New England Patriots (14-2), 4:30 p.m. EST
TV: CBS
Line: Patriots -9

It absolutely amazes me that Jets fans think they have a shot to win this game, even after the Patriots humiliated New York 45-3 on Monday Night Football a little over a month ago. I'm sure there are a few sensible Jets fans (do these exist?) out there that understand with good reason why their team is an enormous underdog on Sunday. After the Jets yapped all week long back in December, what did Tom Brady and New England do? Kept their mouths shut until they got onto the field, then they absolutely annihilated this entirely overrated Jets team. No but we beat Peyton Manning on the road last week of course we have a shot to win this game!!! Please, that was probably the worst postseason-qualifying Colts team of Manning's career, and your team got super lucky just as they always seem to. Now because they think they've earned something, the Jets have been running their mouths again all week with the kicker being cornerback Antonio Cromartie calling Brady an asshole and that he should go have sex with himself. Now I know where the weasel loudmouth fans get it from...from that foot-fucker Rex Ryan. This guy's got a pair of brass balls on him, I'll tell you that much. Only a moron like that can get spanked by 10 touchdowns and then come back a month later and start puffing out your chest. What a jerkoff. While I completely agree with Cromartie in his assessment of Brady and the Patriots, I will be rooting hard for New England on Sunday. I don't think I've ever wanted to see the Cowboys or Giants lose to someone as bad as I want to see the Jets go down in flames in this game. And hey, recent history shows we should all feel pretty comfortable with the possibility of such a thing occurring on Sunday in chilly Foxboro. While New England won't win by such a lopsided margin this time around, they will still win regardless.

THE PICK: PATRIOTS 27, JETS 16

LOOKING AHEAD

Here are my rankings of potential title game matchups next weekend:

NFC
1) Green Bay at Chicago
2) Chicago at Atlanta
3) Seattle at Atlanta
4) Green Bay at Seattle

AFC
1) Baltimore at New England
2) Pittsburgh at New England
3) New York Jets at Baltimore Ravens
4) New York Jets at Pittsburgh Steelers

11 things I love that you all hate

2011-01-14T20:42:00.000-05:00

I'm still reeling from Special Ed’s post about the ten things he hates that we all love. But I think we can all agree that even though we’ve lost respect for him as a human being, he’s gained more respect as a blogger. Not many men want to walk around saying they don’t like “The Godfather” – you could get beat up for that – but he had the balls to announce to the world.

On the opposite end of the spectrum, I would like to contribute my more positive rebuttal: Eleven Things I Love That You All Hate.

11. Strange Numbers

Setting my alarm clock for 7:01, scheduling a meeting for 3:17, setting the volume on 32- do these things bother you? I love them.

No, it’s not my way of rebelling against the system. On the contrary, I hold punctuality in high regard. I’m just breaking off the rigid grid of doing everything on even numbers or 5s. Try it – you’ll feel free.

10. Hard Cookies

I’m talking crunchy and rock hard. I want my teeth to break off on the mofos. You like soft cookies, softie? Go home.

9. Superman IV

They clearly ran out of money and half assed a lot of aspects (especially VFX) but I feel that at the heart of the story, it’s the best Superman sequel. It’s filled with commentary on it’s contemporary society – the nuclear arms race, the degradation of journalism, the overstepping of capitalism, etc. - and had intentions of really pushing the Superman character forward. I would love to someday see a new draft written and produced as either a comic book or an animated feature.

8. Seinfeld’s Series Finale

Even then, I found it a hilarious “screw you” to clichéd finale expectations. They went to jail! If that’s not funny to you, you weren’t watching Seinfeld.

7. Black Jelly Beans

This is something I taught myself to like at a young age because I realized that nobody wanted their black ones. More Jelly Beans for me.

6. Bruce Willis’ Music Career

“Return of Bruno” may not be on par with the man’s films, but it’s not that bad. If you had a friend that recorded the album, I think you’d enjoy it. And that’s how I look at it – a nice way to listen to your old buddy Bruce Willis play some of his favorite tunes. He’s got good taste and he doesn’t ruin them. Good enough for me.

5. Grey Skies

I love when a day is grey and “moody.” It actually makes me happy to not feel the pull to go outside and do something. Perhaps this is because I’m from Cleveland and it reminds me of home.

4. Illegal Mexican Immigrants

I live in California where Mexicans – both illegal and legal – are part of everyday life. Excuse me if it sounds racist, but I absolutely love them. They have a colorful, family based culture, and they’re the best chefs on the planet. Think about it! When you go to a Mexican restaurant, who cooks the food? Mexicans. Howabout an Italian restaurant? Mexicans. Chinese? Mexicans. They can do it all!

But on a serious note, I think the ones that come over here illegally represent what our country originally stood for from its very inception: the ability to seek a better life for you and your family, regardless of who you are. If they should be kicked out, all of our ancestors should too. And when people bring up the fact that they don’t pay taxes, it sickens me. Do you honestly think, if given an opportunity for citizenship, a good paying job, and benefits, they would decline them? They don’t pay taxes because they can’t and we’re denying them the ability to live the life we should be helping them attain. I don’t just welcome them, I’m damn proud of those hard working, festive fuckers. They ARE America.

3. Mimes

Why is it cool to hate mimes?! Everybody makes a mime joke when they’re not around, but have you ever actually seen mimes perform? They’re awesome; funny, talented, and all around entertaining.

I think mime hating is the result of French hatred and the common “look how interesting and different I am” bullshit of hating clowns. You don’t hate clowns, You love the idea of hating clowns. I’ll watch clowns and mimes any day of the week.

2. Vanilla Sky

I love this movie and will always welcome a chance to defend it viscerally. It’s a great remake of a Spanish film, “Abre Los Ojos,” with perfect music selection, additional thematic layers, and beautiful imagery. There are two types of people that hate this movie: those that think it’s “too weird” and those that prefer the original.

You’re both wrong. Which leads me to my final choice…

1. Confrontation

Most people avoid confrontation. I think those people are either wusses or bad at it. What are you gonna do about it?

10 things I hate that you all love

2011-01-14T01:06:00.006-05:00

When I started this website almost one year ago, I made a solemn promise to my readers: that I would tear down all things that suck. With thorough bashings of Ben Roethlisberger, Jesse James, James Cameron, killer whales, Jay Leno and many more already in the books, I feel like I've adhered to that initial pact. However, me being the cynical, surly bastard with a quadruple-digit pop culture IQ that I am, I've recently allowed my mind to wander...while I've covered topics in the past that we are all in agreement on regarding their crappiness, I decided to approach my general grouchy demeanor from a new angle. Instead of writing about things we all hate, I have decided to make a list of things that I hate...but that you all probably love. I have a tendency to rebel against things that society deems universally popular, so it's likely you won't agree with anything that I am saying. Luckily for me, this fact is unimportant. And while "hate" may be a strong word in describing those on this list, I think my general consensus is that while I may not "hate" what I am talking about, I don't necessary "like" it, either. If anything, I'm angrily puzzled as to why so much of these 10 people, places or things are considered a genuinely good thing by a majority of the American public.

No. 10: MEGAN FOX

Let me make one thing perfectly clear: I am a heterosexual male. I like women...they turn me on sexually, and such. That being said, I have to draw a line in the sand when it comes to the universal acclaim geared toward Megan Fox. I think she's a very pretty girl and if she asked me if I'd like to eat strawberries off her naked body, I'd most likely have to oblige. But that's as far as I'm going to take it. I wouldn't kick Megan Fox out of my bed for eating crackers, but all of these "hottest woman alive" claims are absurd. She's way too skinny, has got a bunch of weird tattoos, her makeup often appears to have been applied with a shotgun and she's married to the guy that played David on Beverly Hills, 90210. Something's just not right there. When you throw in the fact that she's got zero acting ability whatsoever (Transformers and Jennifer's Body are atrocious movies), she just doesn't seem as attractive to me. In a sense, she's just way too ordinary...nothing special about her. In fact, Fox was replaced in the upcoming third Transformers film by a Victoria's Secret model (the delicious Rosie Huntington-Whiteley) with no acting experience. So wait...Megan Fox managed to get fired by Michael Bay? That's like being told you're not smart enough to ride the short bus to school. You can call me a homosexual if you choose, but before you do I'd like you to tell me exactly one thing that's special about Megan Fox.

No. 9: MIXED MARTIAL ARTS

I'm sorry, but I don't get this faze at all. If we've already got boxing and professional wrestling (to all my nerds out there), what the hell do we need MMA and the UFC for? Just what I need, another sport rising up that promotes half naked dudes wailing on each other. If boxing isn't violent enough for you, then odds are you're just a sadistic bastard that would also probably find entertainment value in a kitten slaughter. I enjoy boxing because of the strategic nature of the sport...if I wanted to watch two guys beat the fuck out of each other I'd go wave a steak in between two bums. I'm sick and tired of hearing about Chuck Liddell, Brock Lesnar and Jacques St. Pierre or whatever that jagoff's name is. I feel like every Friday or Saturday night I'm bombarded with Facebook statuses regarding the next big meathead bout. Who gives a shit?! Do us all a favor and switch over to a normal sport like baseball or football get all of this Octagon nonsense out of my face.

No. 8: HARRY POTTER

In my life, I have watched exactly one Harry Potter movie and read exactly zero Harry Potter books. I saw the first movie of the series when I was about 15 and thought it was gay in a bad at sports kind of way, so you can imagine my surprise seeing people my age (and older) lose their shit every time J.K. Rowling's latest batch of garbage is adapted to the big screen. It's pathetic, folks. I really don't care about Quidditch and Voldemort and Hogwart's and all of the rest of that drivel...not everybody cares, OK? Oh but the books are so imaginative and entertaining! Yeah, save it for someone who gives a hoot. The only fantasy movie series I enjoy is Lord of the Rings and I've never bothered reading those books because really, who has the time? And to quote Jonah Hill in Funny People, "How long's Harry gonna go to that high school, anyway? He's gotta be getting up there. They're gonna have to start calling him Harold Potter."

No. 7: MAD MEN

I'm really sorry, but I can't. If it's any consolation, I tried hard. I really did. But no matter how hard I try and no matter how many people tell me how awesome it is and no matter how many awards it wins, I for the life of me cannot get into Mad Men. I really just don't understand what all the fuss is about. I watched the first season and one or two episodes of season 2, choosing to jump ship before I died of boredom. I just don't understand why everybody is so fascinated with all of these characters that literally never do anything exciting. Oh Don Draper and the three dudes that all look the same gather together in offices and conference rooms and negotiate big advertising deals while sucking down cigarettes and drinking scotch? That sounds like a senior citizen bridge game, and about as entertaining too. Usually if I think a show's male leads all suck, then I'll try to get into the female characters and maybe formulate dirty thoughts about them while I'm in the shower. But no, Peggy is super ugly, Joan's extreme voluptuousness intimidates me and Betty Draper's hot for like 10 minutes before you realize what a raging, snotty bitch she is. And the biggest insult, in my mind, is how often this show is compared to The Sopranos in terms of writing and character development. Are you kidding me? If Tony Soprano was the star elephant at the zoo, Don Draper wouldn't be qualified to pick up his turds. The Sopranos was awesome because it was crazy Italian mofos just running shit, not a bunch of pussies sitting behind a desk in some office building. And I know, Special Ed, you must need crazy action or gratuitous sex and nudity to be entertained. No, not at all, though it never hurts to have some of that, either. But I watch plenty of straight drama shows with no violence or F-bombs (Rescue Me, Friday Night Lights, Parenthood, to name a few) and all of them are much more interesting than the banal "action" that goes on at Draper, Old White Haired Fellow & Associates. It's boring! If you want to watch a great AMC drama, go with Breaking Bad or The Walking Dead...Mad Men is just mad crappy.

No. 6: THE BEACH

I really just don't understand what this whole beach thing is all about. Go lie in a pile of sand that gets all up in your buttcrack all day in 100-degree weather roasting like a rotisserie chicken? No thanks. Maybe it's because I'm a ginger and get burnt by the sun the minute I step outside my front door every day, I don't know. But if you ask me, flopping around the beach with a hundred thousand other dipshits is not my idea of a good time. And don't even get me started on the ocean. Oh it's so pretty and special and fun to swim in. No it's not! For starters, the water is always freezing, even in the summer. Secondly, the waves mostly always suck (I'm used to shitty seaweed filled Jersey Shore waves and not whatever those rich assholes get in Turks & Caicos), and lastly you can get eaten by a motherfuckin' shark, people! Or stung by a jellyfish in which case you've gotta get someone pee on your wound, and golden showers just don't sound fun to me. Sure it's nice looking around at women in bikinis, but if you go to the beach enough you realize it's mostly just fat overweight housewives in one-pieces. If that's the case, I prefer to sit on a couch in an air conditioned room with a game on the TV and a beer in my hand. Oh, and do me a favor...don't get sand everywhere when you get home from conforming at the beach.

No. 5: HOT CHOCOLATE

This devilish drink has haunted me for years. I always kind of stayed away from it when I was growing up because it never seemed right to me...if you wanted to drink a hot beverage to warm yourself up on a cold winter day then you brew a pot of coffee like a real American. My first distinct horror story involving hot chocolate came on a family cruise to Alaska when I was 16. It was the middle of July and people were standing on the ship's deck wrapped in blankets drinking hot chocolate and staring at some glacier. I was freezing my nuts off and there was no coffee in sight, so I grabbed the only option at hand in a tall cop of hot chocolate. Immediately puked it up over the side of the boat into some Alaskan fjord. In college, my friends didn't believe that a fairly regular young man didn't enjoy something so normal, so one night after crushing some beers they bought me a cup of hot chocolate at Dunkin' Donuts and ordered me to drink it to prove I wasn't bullshitting. I think the subsequent dry heaving in the parking lot indicated I was not. Any time I tell people that hot chocolate literally makes me vomit they look at me like I have an asshole where my face is supposed to be. To answer your inevitable query, yes I like regular chocolate, and yes I eat quite a bit of it. So what's the deal? Well my friends, in my opinion some things aren't meant to be melted and drank in a hot, liquid form. But hey, I drink my coffee with ice in it all the time now (Barnes & Noble/Starbucks iced coffees are like heroin and I defy you to go back to the crap they serve at Dunkin' Donuts after you've had the good shit), so maybe that just makes me a pussy. I still think it's disgusting, though, so don't try waving it my face when we're sitting by the fire on Christmas Eve.

No. 4: DONNIE DARKO

If I had a list for the 10 worst movies I've ever seen in my life (I don't involve myself in such frustrating activity), Donnie Darko would definitely be on there. Easily one of the biggest piles of shit I've ever wasted my time on. A simple IMDb search shows that this 2001 movie starring Jake Gyllenhaal as "a troubled teenager with visions of a large bunny rabbit that manipulates him into committing a series of crimes" is the 133rd greatest movie of all-time, as voted on by the site's millions of visitors. Well, when I re-examine that intricate plotline, it does sound like the stuff Oscars are made for. Seriously people, this is what we think is cool? Some geeky teen fantasy movie with a terrible lead character and an even worse supporting cast featuring Jake's sad turtle sister Maggie, Drew Barrymore, Noah Wyle from ER, Jena Malone and a clearly-mailing-it-in-until-I-die-soon Patrick Swayze. It's just stupid, mindless nonsense, and I don't understand why it's popular. Usually in the case of a "cult movie" featuring a breakout, star-turning performance from a future A-lister, it's commonplace to subsequently study the progression of said star's career. Upon doing so, we've got titles such as Bubble Boy (laughable), The Day After Tomorrow (terrible), Brokeback Mountain (good movie...Heath's performance was off the chains and you get to see Anne Hathaway's breasts, but Jake sucked it up in this one--pun obviously intended), Rendition (never heard of it, but this movie is why Jake got to bang Reese Witherspoon and that is just not right), Zodiac (a good movie that could have been great had it featured a competent lead), Jarhead (a colossal disappointment again due to a lousy lead performance) and my personal favorite, The Prince of Persia. If I had a choice between watching Jake Gyllenhaal as some Egyptian jackass trying to save the world or having my finger and toenails ripped right off my body, I'd most likely choose the latter. The fact that dude is an A-list star probably making eight figures a movie is entirely our faults, and I hate living in a world with people that helped make this clown a movie star. It's just sad, just like this crappy ass movie.

No. 3: THE BEATLES

Hang on a second while I try to dodge the sniper fire coming my way after typing what I just did two lines above this sentence. OK, a bullet hit my shoulder, but it's just a flesh wound, we can keep going. Look, I don't dislike The Beatles at all. I rather enjoy most of their music, but after 50-plus years I'm just tired of hearing it. Beatles Guitar Hero and Monopoly games and iTunes ads...I just cant take it anymore. It's relentless! I prefer music that most people enjoy but aren't all up in my face about it like some kind of trendy snob. You know why most people that listen to David Bowie, The Rolling Stones, Tom Petty and Bruce Springsteen are cool motherfuckers? Because they just quietly enjoy the music and don't spend five decades telling you why it's the best thing ever invented. Yeah, I already know it's good, that's why I listen to it! I don't need a bunch of know-it-all shitbirds telling me about why music I already like is awesome, and that's what you get with every single die hard Beatles fan. Paul McCartney is alright by me even though he's old as fuck, so I think what I resent most about The Beatles is how John Lennon is still a God all these years later. I understand the dude was an innovator and changed the face of music forever, but so did Elvis and Hendrix and Prince but I don't have to hear about them all the god damned time. It's as if Beatles fans feel the need to validate their heroes at every single turn, because God help us all if we don't agree that they're the best band of all-time. I'm sorry, but I'm not biting. I have mostly all of their albums on my iPod, but all the songs sound the same to me and I really just don't care all that much. I'd much rather sit in a smoke-filled dive bar talking with some drunk about why Springsteen's songs made his life worth living rather than chat with a bunch of elitist Beatles douchebags at a martini bar. Count me out.

No. 2: STAR WARS

Starting above with the Beatles and extending into these final two choices, I think you're going to learn something about me, and it's that I tend to shun super popular phenomena that every single dimwit alive says is the coolest thing since sliced bread. Everybody says you have to love The Beatles, so I don't. Everybody says you have to drink hot chocolate when it's cold and snowy outside, so I don't. And everybody says that Star Wars is the most amazing movie trilogy of all-time, so I say take those Jedi mind tricks and stick 'em up your crap hole. Why on earth does a requirement exist that says all normal moviegoers have to enjoy Star Wars? I really just don't get it. I saw the original film about 10 years ago, and it was kinda cool, but just like in Harry Potter I also remember being bored as shit. Like, why do I care about a bunch of weirdos driving around in spaceships trying to blow up some ship and save a broad with weird hair? It's lame! OK, I understand that for it's time it's considered a colossal achievement and George Lucas is a visionary and all that horseshit, but why do people force it on me like it's some sort of deity that I need to worship? And how can fans of such a celebrated franchise forgive Lucas for cashing in and making three terrible prequels just to steal money from dumbasses worldwide? Those three new Star Wars films were excruciatingly bad, and Lucas certainly didn't make a new fan in me by releasing them and telling me that this is where all of these legendary characters came from. It's an insult. Even at 13 years old I was insulted, and I still am over time. I'll be perfectly honest and admit I've never seen Empire Strikes Back or Return of the Jedi, and I plan on keeping it that way. People say "oh those are the best two you can't formulate a valid opinion if you haven't seen them!" and my response is pretty much always the same...maybe if the first one wasn't totally lame and boring than maybe I would've wanted to see the other two. But it wasn't, so alas, I don't.

No. 1: THE GODFATHER

And the sacrilege quest is complete. From an early age, every male is told that The Godfather and The Godfather, Part II are the two best films to ever exist. So in high school I was like, OK, I'll bite. My father raised me on the sheer brilliance of Goodfellas, so I figured expanding my horizon to two more kickass mobster movies would be as can't miss as it gets. I was super excited when I popped in the borrowed Godfather VHS tape (yeah, remember those things?) from a friend, so you can imagine my disappointment when I fell asleep 45 minutes later. It just moves so slow, like when you're driving and a bus blocks your path in the right lane. I'm not saying the movie itself isn't interesting, because on the surface it is. A bunch of badass Sicilian mobsters running around dropping horse heads in people's beds and executing rival gangsters in the middle of a restaurant is pretty entertaining, but it's the remaining nine hours of the movie that is boring as shit. And what's the deal with demoting Robert Duvall? That guy had shit on lockdown for the Corleone's, then they more or less give him the boot and then things suddenly go in the crapper. Also, I tend to believe that if turkey fails to put you to sleep on Thanksgiving, then the next best remedy would be to cue up any movie scene that Marlon Brando has ever done. He's just such a narcissistic blowhard that is totally aware that his shit doesn't stink. Well guess what, Don Corleone? It shows, and you insisting yourself upon me as the greatest actor to ever live when really you just hoarsely grunt through every scene is not something I'm going to be receptive to. He shows up in Apocalypse Now for like 20 minutes at the end and everybody acts like it's the best movie ever made because Marlon has graced all us peons with his presence. Give me a break. It took me two tries to get through the first movie (I almost always get disinterested when Al Pacino moves to Italy and starts courting that broad that gets blown up in the car) and at least another three to get through the second one, which is regarded as the greatest sequel of all-time. It's a boring, discombobulated mess, and I am not buying into it. I'd watch Goodfellas 100 times out of 100 over The Godfather. I don't tend to ever back anything that Seth MacFarlane says, but when he presented us with this Godfather-related Family Guy scene I almost called him up and told him to get the hell out of my brain.

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It simply insists upon itself, people! That's fine, but I insist to sneer at its cultural significance from my cynical soapbox.

Stigmata and Religious Symbolism in "Home Alone"

2011-01-12T13:22:00.003-05:00

Religious symbolism in secular Christmas films is nothing new. The holiday itself is a nice mixture of non-religious traditions with varying degrees of Christian undertones. So you’re making a movie about Christmas and you want to throw in a Church or a cross somewhere – no big deal - but to specifically use the graphic symbolism of the wounds of crucifixion in a classic family comedy was a bold – and often missed – choice by director Chris Columbus in the 1990 film, “Home Alone.”

Not sure what I’m referring to? Hit “read more” for evidence and analysis that I am shocked to be (as far as my google searching has shown) the first to discuss online.

First, we have to clarify what we’re talking about. Stigmata typically means a mark or visual sign left by a particular circumstance. In a Christian context, however, Stigmata strictly refers to the scars left on Jesus’ body through the crucifixion process. Sometimes this is around the head (crown of thorns) but more often, it is the scars on the hand signifying where the nails where driven through his hands. Since about the 13^th century there have been claims of the scars miraculously showing up on devoted worshippers. Though most believe this to be self-inflicted hysteria (because they didn’t start happening until the 13^th century, they never looked the same, etc.) there have been a good amount of people that have believed it to be a miraculous occurrence.

Where it is more present, however, is in art. The use of bruises, cuts, or scars on the palms or back of the hand are very popular in both religious and non religious paintings. To those familiar with symbolism, it’s like an indicator to associate it’s barer with the suffering of Christ, much like the cross pose used in many films to symbolize martyrdom.

So where is the Stigmatic symbolism in “Home Alone” – the slapstick filled, family friendly, Christmas classic? It finds itself in the film’s D-story of fear and redemption, Old Man Marley. He salts the roads, sports a beard, and scares the hell out of Kevin McCallester throughout the film. But if we look close, we can see that he bares the symbolic scars of crucifixion.

Here we see the character’s hand for the first time, bloodied up and wrapped in a bandage. This is such a deliberate shot by the director that there is no denying that he wants our attention – even if subconscious – on this wound. And for those of you that doubt the importance and simply claim it’s a nice way to scare Kevin, check out the next shot.

If it’s just scary imagery, why would the director make a point in showing us that the wound goes all the way through his hand? Plot-wise, it’s hidden very well, but there is no denying that the imagery is drawn up for us to start making comparisons: Is there more to this man that Kevin is scared of? Is this man suffering like Christ did?

What the film does next goes beyond the abilities of a painting’s symbolism, it makes use of it’s medium by incorporating Time into the equation. We’ve seen the scars, what’s next?

What we see here takes place right after the scene in which Old Man Marley confesses to Kevin the cause of his suffering – that he has been estranged from his son and that it’s his own fear that has prevented him from reuniting with him. Kevin, with a child’s simplistic wisdom, gives him exactly the right advice that begins his redemption: to simply call. So what we’re seeing is the healing of his suffering. This is clearly a deliberate insert shot of the man’s Band-Aid (sorry for the poor image quality if you weren’t sure it’s a Band-Aid. On DVD and Blu-ray it is very clear). The healing has begun.

And here, in the end of the film, Kevin looks out his window to see Old Man Marley reuniting with his son and granddaughter. His suffering is over, and his wounds are healed. Now I’m no doctor, but I know that a puncture through the palms isn’t going to completely clear up in a few days without…a miracle.

And you thought it was a kids movie.

What do you think? What else can we draw from this? Does Kevin act as a religious or historical symbol in his story of redemption? What other films have you seen this symbolism in?